Honestly, Officer, I wouldn't have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) July 19, 2014
If you pull a lizard's tail off, it will grow back. If you pull it off again, the lizard will be like "dude."
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) July 31, 2013
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane's dog & she was like, "I've never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"
— Rob Fee (@robfee) March 20, 2014
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I'm pursuing you online and from my couch
— MattyTalks (@mattytalks) July 19, 2013
They hid Wonka bars literally all over the world but the only people who found them were white people who spoke English.
— halloween lindsey (@Lindzeta) June 19, 2012
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
— Paige (@PeachCoffin) November 10, 2013
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It's like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
— Mary Kobayashi (@MaryKoCo) May 3, 2012
It's impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It's either the most fun you've ever had or you go to the hospital.
— Greg Dorris (@GregDorris) June 21, 2013
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) December 30, 2013
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They'll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
— Mindy Furano (@MindyFurano) June 18, 2014
I don't like the cavalier manner in which Tony the Tiger strolls into the homes of these Frosted Flakes eaters.
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) June 17, 2013
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I'm making my house into an Italian restaurant.
— Patrick McLellan (@pmclellan) January 7, 2013
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
— Amanda Mancino (@Manda_like_wine) August 18, 2013
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out "Marry me?" on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
— Nick (@NickSchug) August 16, 2011
"Follow your dreams!" – rich people
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) April 8, 2014
Yo girl, are you a zero APR loan? Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest.
— Simon Barrett (@Simon_Barrett) May 8, 2013
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic has his fav book made into a movie & the characters are nothing like he imagined them
— halloween lindsey (@Lindzeta) May 7, 2014
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, "I'll keep that in mind" and walk off
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) July 2, 2014
the dj just read a list of all the US States and capitals and the whole Club is goin crazy as hell right now
— BRB RADIO IS HERE!!! (@kanye) April 10, 2012
I'm similar to a male seahorse in the following ways: 1.) cool hair 2.) baby pouch 3.) never seen an owl up close
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) April 14, 2012
is there anything more capitalist than a peanut with a top hat, cane, and monocle selling you other peanuts to eat
— Cohen is a ghost (@skullmandible) August 29, 2013
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
— Rob Fee (@robfee) February 16, 2014
If two people are arguing and one person says, "You know what…" that argument is about to get awesome.
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) June 25, 2011
Dance like you aren't depressed. Sing like you didn't kill that homeless guy. Love like you don't have herpes.
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) January 12, 2012