Whenever any matter concerning bullying comes to my attention, I’m always very serious about it.
Today, I’m jotting this down as that schoolgirl who had spent months in the restroom during her ‘break time’ because eating in the cafeteria equates to unknown male seniors throwing forks, plates and knives at her. Also, as that student who still attend classes to piss ‘them’ off even if her table, chair, stationeries and books were poured with black inks. Most importantly, I’m also jotting this down as a victim of bullying or as anyone who have gone through a phase we all thought we wouldn’t survive. Here are reminders of what they did.
Lingering Thoughts & Emotions
Sometimes you wonder what your life would be, if you hadn’t been through it. Sometimes, you wonder ‘why me?’ Sometimes you might wonder nothing but weep about it – or not feel anything at all.
You might have gone cold and ruthless by just one thought. The feelings can lead you to become distant, in denial or lead you to many confusions, which is hard to shake it off. The reason why your emotions are all over the place. At one point, you might still be infuriated thinking about the past or depressed about it. You can get defensive wrangling over it. At times, the emotions you held were so strong, you have the desire to seek out for revenge.
Imagine this, you’re beaming with joy one fine day, but upon seeing your bullies that abused you, you feel furious once again. Whatever it is, whether you’re still going through or are over it, you might still feel something about it. It might be too arduous to master positivity with occurrences like these. It definitely takes time to heal, but when you do, you conquer the impossible.
Never To ‘Forgive and Forget’
Sure, you might hear stories that victims discover the better things in life and move on, or remarkably forgive their bullies. However, one thing is for sure – you never forget about it. You will never ever ever ever in a million years forget about it. The vicious phases you have to endure weren’t that simple. They don’t have to worry what you have to – your wellbeing, your mental state, your lost youth, troubled memories and all that. They go on with their happy lives, never actually been through what you did – still have the cheek to persuade you to ‘get over it’.
It’s never that simple to forgive and forget – maybe we never will.
Burning Wrath Inside You
That internal fury might either help you or cripple you. You could either be meaner or kinder.
Some might use it to good use. For example, instead of igniting it pointlessly, you slowly gravitate that to build your character; a stronger version of yourself. You use that fuel to imagine success, as you know what they say ‘let success be your noise.’
So, you go on to ace that exam and let your grades be your victory, you use that strength for a competition and win that race, you use that force to be better than any of your bullies can ever be. No one can control you no more, you control your own destiny.
On the other hand, not everyone is as fortunate. You might not know what they went through – maybe they were exploited, maybe they were ostracized and no one assisted them, or maybe they simply gave up. They channel their bitterness to be criminals, to be bullies themselves or develop mental or any disorders that usually take years to stabilize, or worst of all – take their own lives.
This is why you should be kind to everyone (or try!), no matter who they’re because you never know what it takes for any victims to be what they once are. Others just want to survive.
Comfortable Being Alone
Depending on yourself and only yourself is something you get so used to, that you become your very own best friend. You’re in the epoch of having a relationship that no one can break – with yourself. To others, it looks ridiculously miserable – doing your own work, doing your own research, eating by yourself, or whatever – but to you it’s a norm. Most likely, someone will have to break your walls in order to be in your life because right now, ‘me, myself and I’ are doing just fine.
What do you do when you spend too much time on your own? You see everything in 3Ds. You start to observe or question more to the point that you answer your own questions.
You’re more likely to understand the reasons behind every actions, more likely to put yourself in others’ shoes, and be more accepting of others. You’re more mindful of the sensitivity of others such as minding the ‘trigger words’ because you once suffered the same.
For instance, I was reminded of the outpouring number of schoolmates jumping on the bandwagon, to the juncture I’ve to strut alone along the never-ending hallway, while everyone else just stared and jeered; treated like a nothing even by my own teachers. You know like the walk of shame?
The usual retort is to flare up, except I looked for every whys and wherefores?
There were many reasons – they’re products of broken homes, neglected or abused by their partners or parents, some were afraid of being seen with me because the impact it will have on their social status, and some just hate my guts (sorry not sorry lol). If you live through that at a very young age, chances are you will grow up a little quicker too.
The ‘Trust Issues’ Syndrome
You grow up sensing that people around you either have something to hide, or there’s something suspicious about them. Nice people surprise you since you grow up expecting the worst. It might take days, months or even years to get someone to count on. People might view you as a pessimist just because you’re being extra cautious to who goes into your life. This might be instilled in you right after you see the wickedness of humankind.
The Desire To Stop Bullying
In a way, if you see anyone gets bullied, you will have no hesitation to stop what you see. You cannot stand to see any form of mistreatments, especially to innocent kids. You will have a strong conviction to step in for a stranger being picked on across the street. That’s how strong these desires are. If you’ve children or nieces whatsoever, you will protect them at all costs and certainly will take bullying seriously – if you have to go to war with the bullies’ parents, you will.
You might also be a strong advocator too as you don’t want anyone to go through what you did. You might be bolder than ever, since you’ve the courage blaring inside you, wanting to break that cycle.
Connect To People Who Have Been Through It All Around The World
I enjoy listening to success stories, and I can’t wait to hear more someday. You know listening to how others go through theirs, make you either happy or sad, or both. In some way, you’re able to live through their chronicles, cheer for them, encourage them, or do anything to introduce positivity into their lives – whether they need one or not. You genuinely feel happy for them if they make it. This hope will make you to be more optimistic, soon you will radiate this positivity to other people who need it.
You Might Relive It Again – Unintentionally Or Not
To confront such situations are like reopening old wounds. You might also remember words, feelings, actions, sounds (to name a few) that will still trigger you. One thing for sure – the scars will always be there; it stays with you for as long as you live, it’s a part of you. Ultimately, time heals. (or does it?)
Let’s say, you remember the place of incident – you either make sure to avoid it or still involuntarily recall about your unfair treatment. If anyone ask you to share them your stories, you might be hesitant to do so because this means – you being ‘vulnerable’ again. You might still have panic attacks or hallucinations. For some, the trauma is too spiteful that their minds refuse to revisit there.
Your stories to mine might be like night and day – no problems are greater than the other, we are just different individuals, we all heal differently. Eventually, I believe it’s all up to you – whether you want your stories to revive as open wounds, or your stories to inspire others? I choose the latter.
There I’m done.
Being bullied can truthfully change one’s outlook of the world. Everyone deserves to be treated like a human being. In some cases, it bruises someone, leading them to self-destruction. A victim can overcome the snags, but like a glass that breaks – you can patch the pieces up but it will never look the same again – you still see scars.
From a bully survivor to the next, it might be a hard battle but you’re a soldier, you will see light at the end of the tunnel. I feel your pain, I see your battles. If you need a hug, I am sending you one. If you need strength, I am sending you some now. May you succeed in life – in whatever you do – better than the rest of them.