15 Things You Learn At College

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  1. Dining hall food only looks delicious on the campus tours. Don’t let it fool you. Dining halls are good for the first week or two, but really, tell your Mom to hook it up with the snacks. You’ll need them, trust me.
  2. Majority of your money will go towards alcohol, and whatever drunk food you consume that night. Drunkchies are the enemy, along with the evil Domino’s app on your phone, don’t you dare look at the menu if you’re in the hole with your bank account. You know what’ll happen.
  3. All-nighters are fun, until it’s college and you’re up typing your 27 page research paper you had 3 weeks to finish. Seriously. Staying up all night eating pizza and watching scary movies is fun. But once you hit college and all-nighters become mandatory, you’ll understand.
  4. Yes, that hot guy who just so happens to be the captain of the football team called you beautiful, but it’s not because he wants to cuddle and talk about his feelings. C’mon ladies, there’s plenty of fish in the sea who will hangout with you during daylight and not at 3 am after a party. Don’t let your drunk and naive brain get ahead of itself, you know you’re too hot for a one-night stand.
  5. The “Freshman 15” is a real thing. *scary music sounds* College can definitely effect the whole “I have a fast metabolism,” thing, so don’t let that fool you. This isn’t me saying you’re going to spiral into a black hole of obesity, but just try not to force it and eat that last bag of chips staring you down over there. You’re probably bored, not hungry.
  6. 2-ply toilet paper is a God-sent item that you become forever grateful for on break. Listen, college life is great. But just a warning, you might as well be wiping your ass with a piece of tissue paper. It’s the brutal truth, but you learn to live with it, eventually.
  7. You have no idea where any of your thousands of dollars towards your education is going. You would think that after taking out a loan and selling your soul to the state, that these thousands of dollars could fund a decent steak, or maybe some comfier desk chairs. Sorry to break your heart. The closest thing to a steak you’ll get at a college campus is the day-old cheeseburger that is as hard as a steak, but tastes like something you might find squished under a car tire (if ya catch my drift).
  8. Rub a toothbrush against those dear-old hickies to get rid of them. Ice. Repeat. You don’t need anyone knowing about Ricky from the first floor, the one who looked better after your sixth red solo cup of Franzia. Stick to the toothbrush, rather than making up that excuse, “I got in a fight with the vacuum cleaner..” This is 2015. Everyone knows that college students don’t go near vacuum cleaners.
  9. There IS such a thing as a 10 minute power nap. You may think that’s a lie, but when you have a hangover and 12 minutes to spare before you have to leave for class, you’ll be grateful.
  10. Your room is your friend’s room. If your door is open, you best believe your friend is about to barge in at any second. They will come in from anytime between 2 pm to 4 am unannounced, looking for that tank top you borrowed from them last March.
  11. Everybody has a case of RBF. Resting-Bitch-Face is a disorder that 99.9% of college girls in the world suffer from. You may think Sally wants to kick your ass, but she’s really just as miserable as you are walking to her 8 am. We all do it, might as well accept it.
  12. Your mom is much more tolerable when she’s 50 miles away from you. Trust me, getting a 6 page text from her bitching about the trash you never cleaned out from under your bed is a lot easier to deal with when you’re not hearing it too.
  13. You’ll never understand the appreciation you have for loved ones until you don’t have them there with you. Family drives you insane, but distance is something that makes the heart grow fonder. You almost wanna hug your sister when she’s wearing your shirt, thankful that she’s around to piss you off. College tames your desire to kick a sibling’s ass, I promise.
  14. There is a whole new world of people who don’t know who you are, and it’s awesome.You’ve just stepped onto a college campus with five thousand students who have no clue what your name is. In high school everyone knew who you were and knew your story. Nobody in college knows about the time you ripped your pants in 8th grade homeroom.
  15. Jeans are not a thing.If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my college experience it’s that yoga pants and sweatpants are the only piece of wardrobe that is a necessity. Well, maybe a shirt, too. Nobody wants to get ready for class, and hell, nobody even knows who you are anyway! Might as well be comfy when you’re hauling your ass across campus to make it on time to class. TC mark

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