The first major snowfall of the year is marked not only by the obvious pelts of doom, but dramatic shifts in behavior and sanity. After all, it’s no secret that cracked lips bring out the worst in everyone. Without fail, here are ten things that will happen during the first major snowfall of the year.
1.Everyone simultaneously forgets how to drive.
“Me no see line, me make own lines.” Forget everything you learned in driver’s-ed. Your education is no good here. It’s a goddamn free-for-all, and traffic signals are mere recommendations.
2.Public transit just gives up.
Better luck next time — widespread signal failure. And that cab you see in the distance with its light on? Some dick in a suit is going to run out of a building and take it in 3…2…1. Strap up those boots baby, you’re walking them 3 miles (uphill, of course).
3. You buy a metro pass anyway.
$150 later, you feel the physical effects of your spirit dying. The only thing worse than walking through a snowstorm without a scarf? Being stuck in a tall, sweaty stranger’s armpit without a scarf. However, you are well aware that if you live in a city it is impossible not to use the metro in the winter. Skyscrapers = wind tunnels = MISERY!
4.Unprepared for this shit storm, you spontaneously splurge on new winter gear.
Make it through the day without a balaclava? HELL NO! Now grab yourself a tea, park yourself on a public bench, and watch people fall. It never gets old, and god dammit, you earned it!
5.There is always the one asshole whose excitement both confuses and sickens you.
“Snowboarding videos?! How even dare you??! This is no time for being nostalgic towards ski chalets and hot toddies. NOT ON MY WATCH, BUDDY!” **unfriend**
6.You suddenly forget what it feels like to not have chapped lips, and it’s all you can think about.
THE MORE YOU THINK ABOUT IT, THE MORE THEY BURN. Goodbye hot wings, I will keep you safe in my heart until we meet again.
7.You lose all memory of what sunshine and happiness feels like.
So cold… so sad… You feel like you haven’t seen the sun in years. The time has “fallen back” which means it is nightfall by the time you leave work. You go home and indulge yourself in beers and tears in the bathtub. This is your life now.
8. You consider moving to Florida.***
Sounds good, right? Sunshine, beaches… hey, you might even get yourself a whole flock of plastic flamingos, just like the ones on TV!
*** You will later realize that was temporary psychosis and Florida is still the worst.
9.You cancel all your plans for the day, week, and foreseeable future.
Your first phone call upon entering this new world of anguish and sorrow will more than likely sound like this, “Hey Katie, uh I know it’s your bachelorette party and all, but I actually…yeah, I have mono. Can I make it up to you sometime in… let’s say May to be safe?” Come May, Katie is married and she doesn’t even remember who you are.
10.You go home, put on a onesie, cry into a bowl of Mac & Cheese, and prepare for 6 months of hibernation.
35 days until Friends is available for streaming on Netflix. But, who’s counting?