I Deserved More Than You Ever Gave Me

The way it ended, how we ended, was so cruel. The fact that you talked to other people about the possibility, the fact that you purposely took a trip to find out how life would be without me, the fact that I basically had to force that conversation out of you. To then go and not even really make it officially over for at least another month. You let me hold on to a relationship that had been over for years, only to continue to string that along for as long as you could. Even though you continuously took for granted my trust and faith in you; you couldn’t give me the courtesy to really end it.

As I look back on everything, how naive I was to think that you could be faithful when all along you never wanted to be in the relationship, I can recall conversations where you would tell me that you saw yourself ending up alone, and yet I couldn’t accept that. It was convenient; it was easy. I was willing to do anything to make it work. Sad how little I valued myself. The part that I still find hardest to understand is how you could continue to look me in the face every day and not be eaten alive by the guilt of cheating on me, betraying the trust of someone who would’ve done anything for you. And yet, you had no issue continuing on as if nothing happened. After I found out, it made me question everyone I had in my life. Who knew this had happened. Who else could look at me and not tell me? I closed off to everyone because of you. And I still am working to let myself take down those walls I built. Not everyone will hurt me like you did.

I blamed myself a lot at first for the end of us. I remember thinking that I broke my own heart, that I pushed too hard and had too high of expectations. I can see now how far that was from the truth. I deserved more than what you ever gave me. Everyone always told me that, but I could never see it because it wasn’t coming from the one person who mattered the most.

It took me a long time to finally begin to see myself for what I’m worth, and there are days I still struggle with that. But I have proven to myself every day since we ended how much I am capable of. I have accomplished things I never thought would be possible on my own, and yet here I am continuing to push myself for more. Maybe I needed all of this to happen to truly understand myself. I needed this to realize my potential and my worth. I thought losing you would be the worst thing to happen, but it truly became one of the biggest blessings in my life.

I don’t regret any of the time I spent with you. I can now look back at it with a fondness and appreciation. There will always be a place in my heart for you. Regardless of any of the bad, I still truly believe we were best friends (maybe all we should’ve ever been). We grew up together. We went through some of the happiest times and some of the most challenging times. And even still, I will always be here if you need me to be. Because for me it was always real.

I hope one day you find in someone whatever it is you’re looking for. And I hope you stay honest with them. I hope you treat them how they deserve to be treated and never take them for granted. In short, don’t ever let them feel how I felt.

I’ll leave you with the words I was always too scared to say: I loved you.

How amazing it would be to have failed writing and have work published