I think I owe you a lot of apologies. I am sorry I have been demanding. I am sorry I have been confusing and contradictory. I am sorry I have said things to hurt you, but know it is only because I have been hurt so deeply.
Who would’ve imagined that 12 months could bring about such change in people and in life? My mind is nothing like the simple, almost carefree beauty it used to be. I have become much colder and reserved, less trusting and free. However, I am not saying that I have lost my happiness. You were so much to me but you will never be my only source of joy. You will never be what I live for.
We are separate entities even though we often feel as if we are one. If you would’ve asked me last week, I would have said a part of me is missing but I know that I am all here. In these last 12 months I became weak and reliant. I relied on you to get me through tough days and weeks but you have never relied on me.
They say relationships are give and take, but what happens when I take all the happiness from you and you are left as a ghost? Neither of us is the same. We have taken our toll on each other. We have left our marks and these wounds will inevitably scar.
In the beginning, I loved this distance. I loved the fact that I felt like there was some dark corner of your mind I couldn’t get to. There was this honest mystery, an uncharted, unexplored fragment of your soul that I was hoping I could reach. I thought I would be different than everyone who has tried before, but I am not. I must accept that I am the same as all the women you have loved before me and maybe similar to the ones you have loved after. That’s why I think this is the end
I don’t know if I am the one for you. You can drop me like a hat. You have kicked me out when the going has gotten tough. I wanted to stay and help but you’ve pushed me away. I am not going to chase the unattainable. I am not going to chase you away. So what other option do I have?
I never hoped for it to end this way. I never hoped for it to end. But everything has an open and everything has a close. We have to surrender to what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be. And maybe this isn’t the end but I am lost right now. I have lost so many people this year, losing my best friend seems unimaginable. But sometimes, life is just unfortunate. Sometimes it takes away the things we thought we needed most to teach us a lesson. To make us stronger.