I Lost Him, And I Am The Reason Why

God & Man

There was a feeling of inevitability when I lost him. I could tell we would not last, but what shocked me was that I didn’t expect it to happen so soon.

The world is filled with uncertainties and constant what-ifs. It is filled with seven billion people. It is filled with deadly lies and heartbreaking truths. And here I am, desperately trying to get the words straight for my favorite person.

He knows that this is my way of coping with heartbreak. I would let the words speak for me. I would write and write until my pen ran out of ink hoping it would help me forget what I felt. I wished my emotions were just like the ink—impermanent and eventually running dry.

I was lucky. I was blessed. I was fortunate enough to find someone who loves me for who I am, despite the world we currently live in.

We were okay. We were happy. But I pushed him away. I pushed him away and eventually, he gave up trying to fix me. He gave up trying to save me.

I miss him. I miss everything we shared. The laughter, the smiles, the tears, the serenity, the secrets, the secret language, the teasing—everything is just gone. I would wake up every day and reality would always smack me in the face telling me that I truly lost him.

I lost him and I am the reason why.

It is hard. It is really devastating to think that my sidekick is not my sidekick anymore. I always tell him the things that happened during my day. He was always there willing to listen to my endless rants. He was always there to comfort me whenever I felt stressed with schoolwork. He was always there to make me laugh even when I wasn’t in the mood. He was always there to protect me even though I showed that I don’t need that. He was willing to go crazy with me even if involved running away. He would always remind me that I am beautiful and that I am loved.

He always there for me and I failed to reciprocate. He was everything I wanted and needed, but I was everything he hated.

I would always joke about how he is taking me for granted, but the shocking truth? I was the one who took him for granted.

I’m sorry, darling, if you gave me everything but I failed to give you the only thing that you want. You freed me, but all I did was hold you down. You saved me, but you lost yourself in the process. I’m sorry if all you ever did was pull me back in when I always gave up.

And I guess that is the reason why we broke up. I’m not good for him. He was simply the best and I was simply the worst. He was selfless and I was selfish. I told him that I am letting him go because he has the whole world waiting for him, and that is true. He has a lot to explore. He would meet many people and I can’t be the one who is going to hold him back.

It has been two months now and his absence is clouding me. It will be a month since the last proper talk we had. I will never regret letting him go. I will always be thankful that he chose himself over me. I am happy that he chose to leave me. He is whole and I have been broken my entire life. He deserves someone who is complete, someone who is willing to give him everything without a doubt.

This is how it ends. This is how we ended. This is the reason we broke up. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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