The Moment I Realized I’d Never Be The One

He is not a cheater. I am not scorned. I am simply not the one.

I can remember how we met so clearly.

I can remember exactly what I was wearing. My hair wasn’t as brown as it is now. I was 17 and rooted in a belief system to this day I am still trying to hold onto as I sit and write this, a belief system that had been developed upon the example of young women my age. “Don’t let anyone get too close, know too much, because one day they’ll run and you’ll be left behind.”

Being observant is my most important strength as it stops me from making mistakes, but that didn’t stop whatever was changing about our friendship and pushing us into unknown territory. I feel as though I went through a war with myself in the last year. I had never met someone who just got it all, someone who understood everything wrong and right with my life and myself. I didn’t need to speak to be heard and subsequently validated as an equal. He just always got it.

That’s how I knew the exact moment I was in the process of losing him.

Communication was less frequent. I was happily chatting about everything that was going on in my life good or bad and he was becoming less forthcoming with details about his. The wittiness in my jokes became unnoticed and less welcomed to the point where it almost seemed pathetic and trying too hard, kind of like I was a chore. The chase and excitement were going for him and the flame was diminishing. I was beginning to be just like every other woman until suddenly I was.

I knew that my old friend being your good friend would end us.

Hell, I was fully aware of her feelings for you back when we were close friends and all she could talk about was you.

I could kick myself for not seeing how this would end. You and her setting time aside for each other when we couldn’t clear our schedules to just see each other.

That’s how I knew the exact moment we were not enough for each other at this point in our lives.

That’s how I knew that I might never fall in love with someone else.

A mediocre exchange with anyone else would be insulting to my head and my heart.

“I was free, but there was nothing exquisite about It.” – Carrie Bradshaw