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Just A List Of Times You Deserved A ‘Fuck You’

I try to be the bigger person, and let shit go. It’s easier said than done.

My mother told me I shouldn’t swear, so I learned to censor myself in times when all I wanted was to hurl curses at the world.

So many times I wanted to say fuck you, but the words were swallowed.

I’m throwing them back up today.

And you are in the firing line.

Fuck you for making this life thing harder than it already was. I know you had your own shit going on, but what made you think I didn’t?

Fuck you for standing me up and making me feel like a total fool in front of everyone I told about our date because I was that excited about you, and about what we might be.

Fuck you for never texting me back, and making me look inward and wonder what I did wrong. Because I met someone so much better. I met a man who knew he had found an abundant flow of diamonds when he met me, and he knew better than to let me slip through his hands.

Fuck you for pushing me down, and pulling my hair, and trying to gain power by making people like me feel small. Because those scars have become my strength and the reason why I wake up each and every day and continue to fight for and love all the other ones I know who are being held down.

Fuck you for not betting on this woman, and counting her out of the race. Because she went on to prove all of you wrong, and now she’s on top of the world reaching for the stars and waving her middle finger back down at you in the mud.

Fuck you for taking me to bed, then fucking with my head. For whispering, “you’re different,” than acting the same old way you always do.

Fuck you for laughing at me, and my looks, and all of my crazy quirks. Because I saw that you’re now fat, going bald, and working a shitty job you hate in the town you grew up in and never got out of, still thinking you’re gonna make it as a rapper – and the joke is firmly on you my friend.

Fuck you for pretending to be my friend, when you treated me like anything but. For being the kind of friends who still made me feel desperately alone and unloved. For all the times you send something cruel, and countered it with “I’m joking.” Because I wasn’t laughing once. And because you’re now trying to come back into my life, and I don’t wanna know you.

Fuck you for saying those words that stung my skin, leaving marks that I’m still trying to heal. You might’ve heard I’m kinda good with words these days, but the only two you’re gonna get from me, are fuck and you. 

Fuck you for leaving me out all the time. For making me feel like I just didn’t belong anywhere in this world. Because now I’m older, I realize that the ones who never fit in high school, are the ones who go on to be the creators, the makers, the artists, and the healers of this earth. Did you hear that? I’m a healer. And you’re just a shit-dealer.

Fuck you for trying to beat my magic out of me. For almost making me want to be like you and all the other sheep. I know I’m different to you, and thank fuck I am.

Fuck you for hurling abuse at me for my brown skin. Because I have learned to love the skin I’m in, while you’re still waking up to a reflection of hate and poison, because that’s all you breathe.

Fuck you for grabbing my ass in the club. Fuck you for thinking you have any right to put your hands on my body, or any woman’s body in this world. And I’m sorry – for not kicking you in the balls like you deserved. I hope the next woman you did that to hit you where it hurt.

Fuck you for belittling my dreams. Because at least I was trying. At least I had the guts to follow my heart, and share it with strangers, not knowing where it might lead. It’s people like you that breed fear in others, and keep them chained to a life they hate because they’re afraid they’re not good enough to do anything else or be anyone else.

Fuck you for not standing up for me. Because I have learned to champion myself. I don’t need anyone to fight my corner. I stand courageously in the ring every day, and I take on anyone who dares to step into it with me.

Fuck you for not being who I so badly wanted you to be. For picking me up, then letting me down over and over and over again. For giving me hope, then stealing it back. For making me look inwards, and question if I was deserving of anybody’s love or affection.

Fuck you.

Fuck all of you.

I never said the words fuck you, so I guess I’m saying them all at once now. TC mark

Shani Jay

Join me on Instagram for more sunshine, and check out my book, Bloom.

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This is me letting you go

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At the end of the day, you have two choices in love – one is to accept someone just as they are and the other is to walk away.

We owe it to ourselves to live the greatest life that we’re capable of living, even if that means that we have to be alone for a very long time.

“Everyone could use a book like this at some point in their life.” – Heather

Let go now

Image Credit: God & Man

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