This Is What It’s Like To Be A Girl Who Cannot Hide Her Feelings

Mitya Ku
Mitya Ku

You’ll see me. You’ll see… everything. Almost. Every fleeting moment and every heartbeat.

I gave up a long time ago trying to master a poker face. Mine prefers to be open and honest, always, much like my heart. I can’t promise I’ll be able to tell you though; for I’m not the most eloquent of speakers. But I do promise to try.

You will always see it though.

When I’m nervous, my eyes will blink a little faster, my chest – if you feel it – will beat a little harder, and my hand will squeeze yours a little tighter. I don’t need a lot from you. All I need you to do is squeeze it back, let me know that you know, that you’re here, and that everything will be more than okay. Okay?

When I’m excited, my entire face will light up like beaming yellow sunshine. You’ll be the only person in the room that I notice. You probably already are the only one that I notice anytime anyway. My mind will never wander when I’m with the people I love. I hope yours doesn’t either.

When I’m hurting, you will notice my eyes struggle to meet yours. Mostly because I don’t want any tears to escape in front of you, or anyone. I feel everything much more than most do. I feel, maybe too deeply. I try so hard to put up an unbreakable wall around me, but my soul is a sensitive one. I’ll have so much to say, but the words probably won’t make it out, and they’ll be a messy jumble if they do. But if you look closely, you will see every last inch of the hurt enveloping me. You see, I’m the girl who is guarded, but who also believes in strangers. I need you to get that, even when it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me.

When I’m angry, I’ll do one of two things. I’ll shutdown and give you the silent treatment, including zero eye contact, until I’ve managed to wade out of my fog of stubbornness; or I will decide to fight, and you may unfortunately see a glimpse of the devil in my eyes. It’s because I’m passionate, and insanely stubborn, and strongly believe in something either being very right or very wrong. I see the world and our choices in black and white; no grey. I need you to show me your grey.

When I couldn’t be happier, I’ll tell you. This face could never put on a happy show. My lips can smile on cue, but my eyes; my eyes will always be the ones to call me out. I’ll let you know with a bundle of smiles and giggles; big smiles that show my teeth and reach the creasing corners of my eyes. I’ll smile like I mean it, because I do mean it. When my eyes smile, know that my heart will be smiling along too.

When I’m scared, my instincts will be screaming at me to retreat, hide away in my shell, and wait until it’s safe again to come out. My eyes will glaze over, and I will freeze in a silent state of panic. I’ll want to share what I’m feeling, and why I’m feeling it; but it’s likely the words will not make it out of me. It’s hard enough just being so vulnerable with you, I don’t know if I can explain it too. Though I do want to be brave. And I want to be brave with you.

And when I’m in love with you… I’ll love you. You won’t have to see it written all over my face. My body will become transparent to you, and only you. You’ll see right through to the rawness of my exposed heart, and the adoration I have for you coursing through it. When I’m finally in love with you, I’ll tell you. I’ll show you. I’ll be sure to always let you know. Please, do your best to let me know too. TC mark

Shani Jay

I hold a mirror to your soul, so you can see how beautiful you are

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