Maybe, I’ll start by saying I never regret anything. But I must say, I wish things turned out the way we wanted it to be. Because I won’t be writing this if it didn’t happen. But looking at the bright side of things, I would never know what love was until you brought me the definition.
To tell you, I am not prepared. I’m not ready yet. I don’t want to let go. I don’t want to say goodbye, but I have to. Because if I don’t, I will never move on and I’ll never know if there’s someone willing to drown in me the same way I drowned in you. I like to acknowledge all the feeling you made me feel: euphoric or crestfallen because they made me stronger. They gave me a different hue to look at things. They gave me a wide perception in many things. I am glad I opened my doors for you. I am glad that even if we’re miles away, I felt home.
Remember the first time you told me you love me? It was 11:43 in the evening and I don’t know what to say. You made my heart bloom with so much joy that I got lost for words. You thought that I don’t love you but when the phone call was about to end, I told you the real deal and you never doubted for a second. Ever since that night, you always remind me how much you love me and you never failed to make me love you even more.
Remember when we had our first fight? It only took three minutes to make everything alright. We know everything about each other that is why we always come back to each other when we sometimes drift apart. I would always remember these times because it really made me feel that whatever thing I or you might do, we will still find a route to each other.
Remember the days when we compared our love to the past loves we’ve been? I clearly remember that I did not love any man the way I loved you. And I still remember that you told me I was your one great love; the one that made you feel home without even touching the tip of your fingers. And I love that. I love you made me feel that. At least, I can tell myself, once in my life, I had this man that made me believe in forever. You changed my perception in a lot of things. You are positive, I am negative. We compliment each other, but I think we never really meant to last. Because if we do, we won’t be hurting ourselves too much. If we love each other, we won’t be hanging one just because of fear.
Remember the time when I was on the verge of giving up on life and you saved me? It was like you were wearing your shining armor and you lift me up. It was spectacular. You rescued me and made me realize that life is unfair and full of uncertainties. You told me that I should live because we still have a lot of things to do, that we still have to finish my bucket list together. But now, how am I supposed to do those things? You are not here. You won’t be here anymore. I won’t be able to do those things with you anymore. And it pains me knowing no matter how much effort we put through, we won’t survive. Because you are pulling me down, but not that deep enough because you also guide me to grasp some air to breathe.
I would like to remember you as a dream: the dream that once came true.
The dream that made you realize a lot of stuff. The dream I won’t forget. I was really happy when we met because you gave me a lot of reasons to continue living even though I’m hurting. You were my light and now that you’re gone, I can’t see anything. You are my destination. You are my haven. You were the safest and warmest place for a lost cause like me.
I feel hell right now. Because I wasn’t able to explore every chambers in you. But whatever happens, you are forever in my heart. You took a piece of me that I didn’t regret. If you were thinking of going back to the old route, don’t worry. I didn’t change anything. You can go back anytime you want, just make sure you won’t take the keys of my heart with you.