I know how hard it is to see so many beautiful aspects in a person when they can’t see them, themselves. I know what it’s like to drive around all night wondering when he was going to see how well your aspects fit his perfectly, but the problem was that he couldn’t see them in himself, how could he possibly see them in you? and even if he did, how would he know that they matched his more than perfectly when he didn’t even know he had them to begin with?
I know what it’s like to race your lips across his ego as they fall fast onto his broken soul, he always acted so confident only to let you in those small, and few glorious times, and then to tell you he didn’t think of himself as anything special. And you couldn’t understand one bit of that because you saw such a glowing, raw, and confident, beautiful person. How could he not see it?
I know what it’s like to try to be that one person in his life that wouldn’t leave no matter what even if he only saw you as a friend and nothing more, because at least he thought you were kind of something important. At least he thought of you as something. At least he acknowledged you as a part of his life.
I know what it’s like to have your heart drop to the deepest part of your soul when he tells you about another hook up he encountered, no matter how empty he said it had been. Only to wonder if that’s what he thought of you. But you seemed to be in his life way more than all the others. So maybe, just maybe he felt something more for you. Maybe you were…. special??…
I know what its like to lay next to him and feel your soul breaking in half because after you give yourself to him you want him to hold you tighter than you hold your pillow, alone in your own bed on nights he doesn’t call to have you over.
I know what it’s like to catch every feeling he threw at you, making you think that there really was something, only to confuse you the next day and say he never wanted to give off those impressions.
I know what it’s like to love an imperfect, self conscious, scared man. A man that was afraid to let anyone but the devil on his shoulder in. Even though he wanted to his doubts and subconscious thoughts would never let him.
But I also know what it’s like to of been able to tell him I couldn’t do it anymore, I mean sure, only half of my heart was sure about doing it, while the other half was shriveling up and bleeding a waterfall out of my chest. I knew I had too. He would never come to terms with who he was enough to be able to love me. and I decided to love myself a little more, which seemed impossible at the time. But I couldn’t wait, and neither can you. Love who you are more than who you see in someone else.