People often say that when you can’t express the things you are dying to say, you should write it all down. So even if you think letters are pathetic, I’m writing one for you, even though I’ll never have the courage to give it to you anyway.
You know, when I first met you I never thought that I would be doing crazy stuff for love, and most especially, I never thought that I would fall in love with you. But hey, I did! I fell in love with you. I fell madly in love with you. And with falling in love with you comes all these reasons to be happy, all these reasons that you have got to offer.
What’s bothering me though is how a person could make you so happy, shower you with love, but hurt you so much at the same time. You have that kind of effect on me, you know. You make me very happy but you also cut me deep to the point that sometimes I don’t even know if I’m really happy or is it just a façade I’m trying to build. Maybe if I let that façade shatter even just a little bit you would finally see that I’m in pain. I’m pained to see you walk out of my door knowing you will be spending your days enjoying with God-knows-who doing God-knows-what. I’m pained to see you walk through that door with all those stories I’m not a part of, and most especially, I’m pained to hear you say you love me knowing that you might love somebody else as much and knowing that it is not the kind of love that I am looking for.
This is the crazy thing I was telling you about; letting you walk back into my life after you walk into another girl’s life.
I can’t believe I’m doing this every single time but I can’t complain because we’re not committed, you are not committed to me. I’m afraid that if I want out of this open relationship and in in a stable relationship with you, I’d end up not having any relationship with you. I don’t want that, I don’t want to lose you. You made me foolish enough to agree to your kind of love’s terms and conditions, and if I lose you, I might lose the tiniest bit of love you have for me and I might be someone else’s fool again. I don’t want to experience the same process of loving someone without him loving me completely all over again and so I want to continuously be your fool.
They say you can only be foolish once and I choose to be foolish for you. You have no idea how much it hurts but with all these pain I’m feeling is a glimpse of hope that maybe one day all of these will be worth it, that you will walk out of my door and still create new adventures and stories but not to merely share them with me but experience them with me and me alone; and that maybe one day, I will finally be your only one. I’m holding on to that hope and I’m never letting go. I love you.