8 Eulogies For 8 Boys

1. You were crazy. You are continents away now, you are dead to me. I should have told you that night that I was sick, but I didn’t know it yet then. When you told me you loved me, I laughed in your face. You asked me if sex was “important” to me, and I said yes but I think we were talking about different kinds of “importance.” This was my first time breaking a boy’s heart, and I found the action absolutely intoxicating. You gave me power while simultaneously stripping it from me. You were the extreme of everything I liked, which made you unbearable. You will always be a marker in my life, the line between before and after. I hope you have forgotten about me because I don’t want your imagined version of me to exist.

2. I could have loved you. In fact, I wanted to love you. But you were a white sheep in a field of many white sheep. You shape shifted on the daily; one minute you were a mirror, another minute a window. In fact I think you might have been a one-way mirror; I saw only my own reflection in you, not knowing that you were hidden on the other side, watching me and taking notes. It was not until our final conversation that I ever saw your true visage. I could have surprised you, you know. I contain universes you will never get to see. When I asked you how you saw me you said I seemed like a “nice” person, a girl who “just does what she loves.” I was furious because at the time I thought that was such a bland characterization; but now I’ve realized that is exactly what I am, and I am damn proud of it. I never needed you to tell it to me, because you meant it as a lie. But in your stone-faced silence I saw the truth for myself: I am you, but less afraid.

3. I hope your life is going okay. I feel really bad that I was there to witness your death, but I was a foolish little girl who had no clue about anything. I stood there transfixed watching you crumble. I pity you now, and I can’t believe I ever thought that I wasn’t good enough for you. But people do change, and you fizzled out just as my fuse was lit. Thank you for the flame.

4. You gave me so much confidence. You were a dozen new experiences and you never ran out of praise. Yet you disgusted and intrigued me. You were the type to drive a winding mountain road going 90, shitfaced and high, just for the story. And you were certainly full of stories. Everything I kept locked away, you spilled before me. It was bait, I know, but I kept my mouth clamped shut. You gave me hope that my intuitions can be right. You were an experiment in how low I could go… figuratively and literally. But each time I stooped, I dropped little white stones from my pockets. You didn’t realize I was building a path home. If it were not for your ego, we might have even worked. I know you probably want to think that you chased me away, but you did not. I was already done with you.

5. You. You you you you. You have been at the center of everything for a third of my life. You were my sole motivation at times, and my largest distraction at others. I loved you and I won’t ever stop. I always thought that my feelings for you were still wholly present even years later, and I’m glad I got a chance to prove it. But all that did was postpone the inevitable. You and I were both not of this land; you were from space and I from fathoms below the sea, making us both accustomed to extreme darkness. I am almost certain that we will meet again; but for now, we must lie low and play dead. Still, I hope you think of me every day. I hope you see me in sidewalk cracks and crowded highways, in the trees and clouds and ripples of every body of water. I hope you have to stop yourself from saying my name while you’re in bed with another woman. And I hope you don’t give in to the simplicity of solitude. I hope you find a home and find a way to truly love. I wish you could feel as much as I do.

6. You were so much fun. I was all allure and I had you pinned down beneath me. With each kiss I felt like I was stealing your soul, stealing a representation of the patriarchy and swallowing it whole. You were a trophy for me, one of those plaid flanneled-Vans clad-curly haired white boys I have always lusted after. I screamed out name after name trying to get yours right. But I saw a lot of familiar traits in you: the way you were a closed book, the way you could create, the way you felt things. Then again, it could have all been in my head, for I have certainly been mistaken before. That is why we can never happen again, for then I might succumb to the hallucinations. I like who I think you are, and I like who I want you to be, but I don’t know who you are at all.

7. I’m really sorry for using you as a tool. I led you to a cliff and watched you drive straight off. But it isn’t like I could have helped you anyway. Unless you sorted your own shit out you were exactly as unlovable as you claimed to feel. It’s better this way, but I often wonder if I won’t find your blood on my hands someday.

8. You were a first – the first boy I ever had real feelings for, the first time I had my heart broken, the precursor to my first bout of depression. I didn’t have a name for it then, but I was both numb and in pain at the same time for months. I pinned it on you because there was nowhere else to lay the blame. I wonder what you’re like now, if I’d still think you were extraordinary. But I am far too embarrassed to ever show my face to you again, because you dealt me utmost rejection. Everything that went wrong with us taught me about who I really needed to become, and I can certainly say I’ve now become exactly that.