Sometimes, It’s Better To Be Alone

It’s easy to get drawn into society’s lie that having a partner is the one and only way to be happy. But everyone has their own journey to love and self-love. If you’re the type of woman who always jumps from relationship to relationship with no end in sight, you’re setting yourself up for an emotional rollercoaster of red flags — one whose destination is always towards procuring someone else’s validation. If you have a pattern of always chasing a relationship just to get your needs met, the best way to get to know yourself is learning how to live “uninterrupted.”

Uninterrupted by the pressures of a relationship you aren’t ready for or with toxic people you’re not compatible with. Uninterrupted by the chaotic noise of opinions about your dating life, usually given unsolicited by those who are settling themselves. Uninterrupted by your constant need to cling onto something or someone who you feel will define you or who you hope will heal your wounds.

Sometimes, it’s better to be alone for a while. To be in a relationship with yourself rather than with someone who makes you feel even more lonely. To give yourself permission to let go of the person you tried to be in all of your relationships in order to become who you were really meant to be.

Sometimes it’s better to take the journey on your own terms. Sometimes, you need a break from dating and romance to rediscover yourself. To grow, to nourish the parts of yourself you were taught to be ashamed of, to heal what needs to be healed.

The truth is, being alone can also be a luxury. To live alone, to have your own home, always have your own money, to not depend on anyone else, to build a sense of unstoppable resilience and independence, to relish the space and time you’ve always needed to dream a bit bigger; these are the blessings of a life that is unbound by a relationship. These are life skills that will last a lifetime. To know that you can always take care of yourself, with or without a partner.

To soak in the beauties of the world without needing anyone else to be there with you. To wake up each morning knowing you get to decide what you’ll do, who you’ll meet, what project to work on, what new city to travel to. To savor the small joys of drinking a quiet cup of coffee on your balcony or meditating in nature. To celebrate yourself. To own your beauty, inside and out. To speak more gently to yourself. To learn how to fulfill your emotional needs without always depending on someone else.

Sometimes it’s better to embrace the beautiful uncertainty of being alone, just to stand in the beautiful certainty of knowing that you can always save yourself.

Here’s the thing about embracing the single life if you’re a perpetual “relationship” person. It will be tough in the beginning to detox from the constant stimulation that romance provides. You’ll find yourself straying into old habits, tempted to rush back into old patterns of dating all the wrong people. You’ll find yourself feeling judged by society’s lies about what it means to be single. You’ll feel that overwhelming desire to take care of someone else — because you’re so used to putting the needs of others above your own. But it’s time.

It’s time to take care of yourself. It’s time to value yourself. It’s time to dig deeper. To get to know the person you were always running away from when you were chasing someone else. It’s time to heal.

Once you’ve been single for a period of time, you’ll no longer feel “trapped” by your relationship status or lack thereof — you will feel absolutely liberated. Once you’ve grown accustomed to the peace of caring for only yourself, you’ll no longer tolerate anything that is less pleasurable than your solitude or a true, healthy soulmate. Once you start to breathe fresher air, you’ll no longer feel addicted to the toxicity of the old. Once you start to make the most out of your freedom, you’ll get to create a life that is far more bold, exciting, and authentic to you.

Solitude will set a new standard for your future relationships and even your friendships. You’ll no longer try to “escape” being single, because you’ll fall more deeply in love with the person you’re becoming —rather than with the illusion of who someone else could be.

It’s better to be alone and to learn to enjoy your own company than to invest in a toxic relationship that will emotionally exhaust you. It’s better to spend years accomplishing your dreams and finding yourself rather than endlessly chasing someone who can’t be caught. You won’t look back in ten years and regret the time you spent investing in yourself and forging beautiful memories of the adventures you’ve taken solo or with your loved ones.

But one day you will wonder what life could’ve been like had you not wasted years trying to change someone who wasn’t willing to change. You will regret the months you spent crying and pleading for someone unworthy of your time, when you could’ve been spending that time learning to feel comfortable in your own skin. You will cringe when you think back to all those times you settled for less just because what you were truly worthy of wasn’t showing up for you at the time.

You’ll long for the years that passed where you spent more time building someone else’s vision rather than falling in love with your own. Just because you choose to be alone now doesn’t mean you have to be alone for the rest of your life. A love that’s worthy of you can enter your life once you’re ready for it — or if you want it at all. But right now, maybe this present moment is all you need to remember how lucky you truly are, that you still get to write your story. That for once in your life, you get to put yourself first.

Whatever it will look like and whoever it’s with, you still get to write your own happy ending. You still get to manifest the life of your dreams. You still have unlimited possibilities ahead of you. And that, perhaps, is the most beautiful love story of all. | For more inspiration like this, read our new book, Powerful Alchemy: A Guide to Soulmates, Miracles, and Manifesting Abundance.

About the author

Shahida Arabi

Shahida is a graduate of Harvard University and Columbia University. She is a published researcher and author of Power: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse and Breaking Trauma Bonds with Narcissists and Psychopaths. Her books have been translated into 16+ languages all over the world. Her work has been featured on Salon, HuffPost, Inc., Bustle, Psychology Today, Healthline, VICE, NYDaily News and more. For more inspiration and insight on manipulation and red flags, follow her on Instagram here.