A Eulogy For My Beloved

I did not believe that you’d died from cancer.
No, you died the day when you first got the news.
But my eulogy is not about that.

It’s about how l continued to love you.
Even more than the first time l saw you.
Even when you came back after your first chemo,
with your hat covering your bare head.
Everyone thought you were so brave
and you made sure of it.
Then you decided to fight it.
First with chemo, then with medication.
Then came drugs, alcohol, and girls.
The person l had met the first time was gone.
It was like I hardly knew you anymore.

They say that it’s always the best people
who leave this world quicker than the others.
I often wondered whether you thought the same thing.
But do you know that cancer does not judge?
Despite all that, l had loved you.
Because l knew that deep down
all that fake stage you’d put up for the world to see,
there’s a little boy who is scared for himself
and doesn’t have anybody to be there for him.
If only he knew that wasn’t true.

I loved you even when you couldn’t.
Even when you wouldn’t let me in.
Because you were so afraid of losing everyone.
I loved you despite the sickness growing inside you.
Because, you see, love is not something
that a thing like cancer can kill.
I had loved you because you were a true phenomenon.
Your innocence and your smile
were the first things that had drawn me to you.
And when you were gone, l kept you like that.
So this eulogy isn’t about how much l love you.
Because you already knew that.
This is to let you know that no matter what happens,
somewhere there is a part of me
that has and will always love you
unconditionally.

About the author
Millennial poet. Follow Shagufta on Instagram or read more articles from Shagufta on Thought Catalog.

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