woman looking down

I’m Sorry I Didn’t Choose You

I am sorry.
I am sorry I did not hold on.
Even when you say it’s okay, I wish you would hate me for it.
I am sorry.
I am sorry I could not love you back.
You have no idea how hard I tried.
If only perhaps I had tried harder to convince myself.
Though you tell me to be happy, I wish you’d tell me to go to hell.

I am sorry.
I am sorry I did not choose you.
Though you tell me that you hope I’ll find someone new,
I wish you’d told me that I do not deserve better.
Because even if I know you would tell me that I do,
I’ll never hurt someone else the way I have hurt you.
But I guess you and I are not the same.
So if it comes to deserving, I’d probably deserve no one.

I am sorry.
I am sorry for never calling you again.
Even when you tell me that you’d be glad to come back,
I wish you’d tell me that you are moving on without me.
To tell you the truth, I would never want us to restart
because I hate the part of letting you go all over again.
So I am sorry.
Even when you tell me that you will always wait for me,
I wish you would tell me that you have found someone else.
At least you’ll be happy if not with someone like me.

I am sorry.
Even when you tell me that I make you happy,
I wish you find the one who gives you what you want
and all the things I’ll never be able to give.
And when you find the one, I hope you forget me.
So that I can finally forgive myself and move on.

I am sorry
I am sorry for all the things I have done for you.
For all the empty nights and endless days
where I no longer choose to stay by your side.
I am sorry for the cause of your loneliness.
Even though you tell me that it’s not my fault,
I wish you had told me that it was.

I am sorry
No matter how much I say it, it will never be enough.
I am and will always be your murderer, your sinner.
Nothing can make up for what I did.
Even though you tell me that you still love me,
I wish you had buried me instead.

So when I told you that I was sorry, you listened.
Instead of being mad, you smiled.
Your eyes could barely hold the tears.
You told me everything’s gonna be okay.
And deep down, I began to crumble into pieces.

About the author
Millennial poet. ISFJ Follow Shagufta on Instagram or read more articles from Shagufta on Thought Catalog.

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