What Do You Do When You Realize You’re In The Friendzone?


I think the only reason the term “platonic love” exists is because Plato got friendzoned 2500 years ago.

“She just wants to be friends”, said Plato

“Oh sorry dude, I know you thought she was the one”, replied his underage male friend

“No it’s cool, we decided to call ourselves ‘lovers without benefits’ and i’m helping her move next weekend”

The first thing you need to do when you become the unintended guest in a platonic relationship is, of course, never give up hope that this relationship status will change. Don’t stop thinking about this person 24/7. This means that when you are washing the dishes, this person should pop into your head. This means that when you are driving in traffic, this person should appear next to you in the car and this, certainly, means that when you are masturbating, this person should help you orgasm. You’re really not gonna get over someone until you squeezed every last thought that you can possibly have about them out of your head. You might as well just make their facebook profile your homepage to save time.

Since you’ve not given up hope, remember that the next time you hang out with this person, continually bring up your feelings in an attempt to sway the other person’s feelings to get them to touch your penis or even just cuddle with you. If you keep bringing it up, one of two things will happen: either a) the other person will eventually get fed up and stop talking to you and you’ll have no choice but to shift your feelings to someone else (unless you’ve already done the facebook-profile-homepage-thing in which case you’re fucked, have fun using your tears as lubricant) or b) which is…wait no, there is no option “b”, you’re just fucked.

Misinterpret every single thing this person tells you. when this person tells you, “I’m clipping my toenails” it really means, “I’m clipping my toenails and thinking about how we can be together for the rest of our lives”. On the same note, remember every moment from every single time the two of you hung out or texted each other or spoke on the phone (wait no, people don’t speak on the phone anymore) because the other person probably won’t remember anything. One of you is going to have to keep a database of the whole relationship and it’s not gonna be them. It goes without saying that you should never delete any text messages or other chat transcripts, cuz if you are feeling lonely the only way to cure your loneliness is to re-live that text message where the other person wrote, “Hey, you’re a really good friend, can you help me move next week?” over and over and over.  Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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