The third most sweat inducing experience of one’s life is probably the first date. The first two, of course, being actually talking to the opposite sex in the first place and masturbating while your parents are home. The first date slots nicely into third place. We all ask the same questions. What am I going to wear? Where should I take him/her? What should we talk about? How come I only have $34 in my bank account? I’m here to tell you, you aren’t alone. We can get through this. Together. Dating is hard but recently I’ve given less and less thought about it and gotten slightly better at it. The question we all have of “am I going to end up alone?” is a good question and probably should motivate you to go out and meet your better half even though, yes, you are going to end up alone.
The first rule of dating is LISTEN TO THE PERSON SITTING ACROSS FROM YOU. I cannot stress that enough. The only thing people like better than you remembering what they’ve told you is Jon Hamm (people love that guy). So unless you actually are Don Draper, you’re gonna need to remember that story she told you about how one time a horse licked her and she laughed. Step two is to bring it up later in a different conversation. This is called a reference or call back and you don’t have to be Dennis Miller to be good at it. This will make you seem interested and funny even if neither of them are true. You are now one step closer to a second date or getting laid.
Step 2: Wear something baggy whether it be jeans or a shirt with a dragon on it. That last line was sarcasm. Please don’t do that. Wear something that fits and makes you look like a normal human being. Your date isn’t going to remember you because you wore a t-shirt with an ironic slogan on it, she’s going to remember you because you followed step one. On the same note as clothing, smelling good is a major bonus. I learned this much later in my life than I should have. These days, I always wear cologne when I go out. I imagine my old smell of “Urine by Seth” didn’t really go over very well with the ladies. The better you smell the closer your potential mate will sit to you.
Thirdly, it doesn’t matter where you go or what you do. It really doesn’t. Whether you go skydiving or play mini putt or lie on the grass and look at the stars, the only thing that matters is that there is a clear line of communication. This is what grown-up’s do. They talk to each other. If you can’t talk to the other person than you can’t follow step one and you will end up masturbating on saturday night. (Note: masturbating is never a bad thing, but it is also never your number one option on a saturday night) When you talk, try to be as self-deprecating as possible. It works. It makes you vulnerable and you will get sympathy from your date when you call yourself “a moron, by all accounts” (see what I did there?)
If you follow these three steps I guarantee success. Of course, success is relative so by following these points, you may end up, on a saturday night, just writing an essay about how to date instead of actually dating but let me tell you, it is slightly more interesting than masturbating. Slightly.