How To Handle The Dangers Of Cuddling


Congratulations, you got someone to commit themselves to at least a couple minutes of body on body contact with you. This is cuddling and it’s great. Girls love this shit and guys secretly love it to. You can’t really be bad at it, it’s fun for everyone involved (unlike the sequel to this post which is going to be about sex and me), it’s can last forever (unlike the sequel to this post which is going to be about sex and me) and it will be get you major brownie points with your lover/friend/pillow. Unfortunately, in my lifetime, I’ve only been the “spoon-er” part of the cuddling/spoon situation and never the “spoon-ee” so what follows is only from that perspective.

Boners. They’re gonna happen. The natural response is probably to play them off like it doesn’t exist, the spoon-ee is probably too nervous to make a comment about and you don’t have enough blood left in your head to communicate efficiently with another human being. The problem is that the spoon-ee knows. Trust me. From a cuddling position, the only position you can safely erect your boner is from the “tucked up” position. I’m not going to write in detail about the tucked up position, you all know it from Superbad. There is no way that anyone can not feel a hardened rod in the small of their back. Ignoring it doesn’t solve the problem. Being ashamed when you’re cuddling with your favorite stuffed animal and it’s scent (you know, your moms perfume that you coat “Mr. Bunny” with so as to not have to cry yourself to sleep at night) gets all the blood flowing to your penis and you feel like you are only person in the world who has ever gotten an erection is not the best way to handle things. Just make a joke. Cut the tension in the room swiftly and without remorse. Use lines like, “is it hot in here or is it just you…and oh by the way I have a boner” or “everytime we touch, i feel closer to heaven…and oh by the way I have a boner”.

Don’t try to reverse the spoon. There is a natural order to things. A wise man once said to me, “Once a big spoon, always a big spoon. Once a little spoon, always a little spoon”. If you’re the spoon-er, your significant other probably wants to feel protected from the world and you being the big spoon is helping this situation greatly. I’ve heard that reversing the spoon might cause total protonic reversal (just imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light). That’s an important safety tip. The little spoon has a lot on their plate, they can’t all of a sudden become the big spoon. The big spoon has a lot of responsibility and if that means getting a mouthful of hair and possibly choking on it, then so be it.

Your arm is gonna get tired and numb eventually and Friends ended like a decade ago, so please don’t use the Ross “hug n’ roll”. You need a way to get your arm out of from under your spoon buddy. You can’t leave it there all night or you won’t be able to masturbate in the shower the following morning. There is no easy way to do this, in fact there is no way to do this without both parties acknowledging that the cuddling sesh’ is about to end. If you are both mature adults, this should be no problem. Ending the session with a gentle kiss on the cheek/forehead is great way to depart. Alternatively, a cute line also works, maybe something like, “babe, i’m gonna roll over and go to sleep, i can’t wait for you to be the first thing i see in the morning…and oh by the way i have a boner”

p.s. I’m sorry for the “erect your boner” line.

p.p.s. I was definitely listening to “Kiss From a Rose” by Seal while writing this. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

More From Thought Catalog