A Freshman’s Guide To Alcohol

YanLev / (Shutterstock.com)
YanLev / (Shutterstock.com)
While everyone reacts differently to alcohol, this is written from various things I observed during my freshman year of college.

Vodka: Cheap French Whore.

While a few people prefer this type of alcohol, many drink it just because it is the cheapest way to get drunk the fastest. You might start out with a heavily diluted mixed drink and still gag when it hits your throat. You’ll eventually be able to suffer through a shot, but no amount of drunkenness will enable you to do this without cringing. For the love of God, if you value your dignity, stay away from Burnett’s.

Wine: Classy Bitch.

Whether it’s a $14 box or a fancy bottle, drinking wine will make you feel as if you’re too good to even party with the sloppy fouls at the bar; that is, until you are the sloppy foul yourself. You can drink this stuff like juice, though, and still be fine. Whatever the result, pre-gaming with wine will put you on a pedestal for the night. Own it.

Tequila: Blacked-out slut.

If a boy offers to buy you a shot of tequila, take it. Ask for shots of tequila. Buy shots of tequila. But know your limits. The first time I took shots of this wonder alcohol, I thought I could handle as many shots of it as I could vodka; my night went from taking tequila shot #3 to waking up in my bed the next morning looking like a hot mess. It’s fun in moderation and likely to lead to hookups that you probably won’t remember.

Whiskey: CEO.

Almost every time I see whiskey in the media a very rich and influential man is drinking it. Whiskey is my personal favorite. Drinking whiskey makes you seem like you know what you’re talking about when it comes to alcohol. It deflates gender barriers. It makes you feel like a boss-ass bitch. It can be a little spicy going down, but after that it’s smooth sailing. If you haven’t had Fireball, have you really lived?

Beer: BAMF.

I started out college hating beer. It tasted like piss. But due to a college budget, I quickly embraced it. Walking around a bar with a beer bottle in your hand gives you a certain level of confidence. You are not one of those girls carrying a vodka-cran around. You are unique. You are feminine but can hang with the guys and chug down some cold ones. Beer pong and flip cup are essentially the most fun ways to be a competitive little kid in college, and when you shotgun your first beer, you will feel like you are one step closer to being an adult. Beer probably still tastes like piss most of the time, but it’s a damn good time.

Rum: Exotic.

I don’t know if it’s just me or not, but drinking rum makes me feel like an exotic girl. I just landed from the Caribbean and am the embodiment of every guy’s fantasy. I don’t care if it’s the middle of winter and my skin is ghost-white and ashy; a couple shots of rum will make me feel fierce. No one gets in my way and I own the room. Added bonus: It tastes just as great as it feels, especially when combined with pineapple.

Gin: Angry.

Gin historically has made people claim to feel unusually angry while drunk, and I’m not sure of the science behind this but I know it holds true for me. One wrong look from someone across the bar will turn you into a full-blown psycho. Verbal and maybe even physical abuse is never far away. My advice is to only order a gin and tonic if you must save the calories. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

*Warning: Mixing any of the above will most likely result in an embarrassingly blacked-out night. Mixing wine with anything else is key to getting a wish-you-were-dead hangover.

Lover of science studying to become a doctor at a small-liberal arts school with a passion for making my voice heard.

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