How To Have Sex With A Little Person

I have never thought of my sex life as anything to be curious about or different than the average person. I suppose I’ve never spent time thinking about it because I know no other life.

The population of little people is quite insignificant in relation to world population, so we don’t have a unified platform to inspire dialogue in a significant way. When it comes to the topic of little people, even well-meaning individuals are left to draw their own conclusions which are frequently inaccurate and sometimes absurd. I try not to take it personal, because I know some bitches can’t help themselves.

I’m a heterosexual female little person whose only sexual experience has been with normal-size men. I mean, there are like five little people in the world, what the heck am I supposed to do? My Latin DNA imposes an insatiable appetite, which as an upstanding Mexican spitfire, I must honor. My desire is like the flesh-eating monster plant, Audrey II in Little Shop of Horrors. Feed me. By the way, is “normal-size” an offensive term?

I wish I could say I’ve tried it all, sexually, women included. I regret never experimenting with women because it makes me feel like a fuddy-duddy. In my 20s, you’d often find me frolicking with a group of bohemian starlets in the Hollywood Hills, so there was plenty of opportunity for experimentation, but my inner Victorian would always rear its ugly head. This clandestine Hollywood hideaway made the Playboy Mansion seem like a rec center, but for the record, I love the Playboy Mansion.

2009 Marijuana Policy Project Benefit at the Playboy Mansion.
2009 Marijuana Policy Project Benefit at the Playboy Mansion.

But I digress, the only sexual pointers I’m able to offer as a little person are from experience with the opposite sex; brawny stouthearted specimens, Mmmm men. Here are some tips direct from my early 70s-elegance Hollywood Regency powder blue boudoir of seduction:

1. Common misconceptions.

Yes, an average-size man’s penis will fit into a female little person’s vagina. Your dick is not going to tickle my lungs, tap my heart or kill me. It might make me gag, but who’s complaining? lf a man is perplexed by the concept of parking his “normal-sized” vehicle into a little lady’s carport, then he is weeded-out from any sexual contact with me. I prefer my lovers have a little imagination and life experience.

In addition, I can easily sniff out when a man is thinking his member will look colossal next to me. Your penis is not an item for sale on eBay and I’m not the penny next to it showing scale.

I’m the first to admit that I get a kick out of playing with my size in photo shoots, stage shows and affectionately with inner-circle friends who are in on the joke with me, but my private sex life is no laughing matter. My small frame is irrelevant to the fact that I am an adult woman with adult-sized lady parts.

2. Lining-up genitals.

Isn’t it obvious to everyone of any size that the only logistic that matters is that genitals line up? Seinfeld covered this in Season 7, Episode 4, “The Wink”:

JERRY: You spent the night at James’s? Did we?

ELAINE: Yeah but we reversed positions so there was no funny business.

JERRY: Reversed positions?

ELAINE: Yeah, you know, head to toe.

JERRY: So what, your genitals are still lined up.

3. Positions.

Any position you can do, I can do better. OK, that may not be entirely true. I’ve had the soundtrack of “Annie Get Your Gun” stuck in my head all week. Aside from privy parts lining up, there are two specific positions I would like to address:

Some men think that if I ride them, Cowgirl style (woman on top), they should be able to spin me like a Dreidel. Sounds funny doesn’t it? Well it’s not, little women are not limbless bobs! This is not a crack against amputees, my father is one, so put that in your pipe and smoke it.

There’s only one position that is a physical challenge for me, especially if the guy is taller than average. 69, that’s right, laugh it up! My torso is too short to plant my ass on a guys face while trying to reach his “you know what.” Plus 69ing is like rubbing your belly while tapping your head at the same time, too distracting. I can barely walk and chew gum at the same time.

One love. (photo by Austin Young)
One love. (photo by Austin Young)

4. Fetishizing.

I addressed fetishizing in my previous article, How Not To Be A Dick To A Little Person, but it bears mentioning again. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with fetishizing an adult because everyone is privately turned on by one thing or another. I, for one, am a Sapiophile (Google it), but I don’t go around telling every intelligent man I meet that I want to fuck him.

Bless your heart if you get sprung every time you see a little lady, but do not tell her! It’s creepy and invasive, and not in a good way.

5. Silver lining.

Men have told me that I’m at the perfect height for giving oral, and you know what, they’re right. The average man or woman has to crouch down like the Hunchback of Notre Dame to pleasure a man. Not me, I can just walk right up without having to strain my neck, back or shoulders, an ergonomic perk.

I enjoy healthy loving consensual sex, and may even pepper in a little Kama Sutra and a dash of Tantric skill, but you’ll never find me swinging from a vine like Tarzan. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

This article originally appeared on xoJane.

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