Where Are You Tonight?
By Seema Kapoor
The day goes by in a blur sometimes. My wrists ache from the constant clicking and clacking I do on my computer and my eyes get weary looking at spreadsheets and mind numbing numbers all day long. My deadlines go whooshing by and the detective work that goes into figuring out why something was supposed to work 2 hours ago is exhausting. I don’t have any time to think about anything else and if I do stop in the midst of everything, I am plagued with anxiety and thoughts of self doubt. Am I doing enough? Should I skip lunch and work? Why am I still here at 9pm?
I left work on time last night to the surprise of my co-workers. It was a small moment of victory as I left my desk buddy hunched over in awe and. I wished him good luck and did a silent prayer that he would get out at a decent hour. The cold air rushed into the fabric of my clothes and permeated through the tough exterior I’ve accumulated throughout the day. And I melted in the most exquisite way. My brain starts to thaw and thoughts of you creep into my heart. Always good moments because the bad ones I’ve analyzed to death and have thrown over the dark cliff of hell from which I am too accustomed. Not today, not in this moment. Your smile, your voice, your fingertips. Where are you tonight? It’s Friday so maybe you’re out getting inebriated as our society would dictate as being the appropriate thing to do. Or maybe you’re in your room, fiddling with your many devices, none of which are your actual brain. That’s a scary place to be left alone in, I know. No distractions can cause for a night full of heavy breathing, cold sweats and the wish you were never born.
I could never quite figure out why you had this obsession with not being left alone or not relishing moments of singularity in such a noisy world. I couldn’t imagine it until I looked back on my own past. Every car ride was a lonely one without someone there in the passenger seat, or on the phone or a destination to get to with more people to drown out everything I didn’t want to sink into. I know that feeling of longing for something that’s missing in a room full of people, places and things that are supposed to fill every hole. What’s missing darling? Why are you reaching out to only grasp onto air and mistake it for something more? I realize I hand picked you. You reminded me of me when I couldn’t see passed a certain point. My mind forever closed to a realness too close for comfort so I chose a synthetic world instead. 25 years of bandaid solutions and empty conversations with faceless nobodies and I’ve figured out that I am not any different. Until I chose to be. When will you? When will you choose something that might allow you to feel something? Do you even know what that looks like?
I remember your strange clinginess to the anger and hostility you felt towards certain things and how you always wanted that reflected back to you. You were mean so you wanted me to be. And I fell to the occasion, always feeling unnatural and tired after snapping at something that really wasn’t worth it. Your aggression gave you an excuse to be overwhelmed with something instead of being at one with nothing. Mediocre was always better than the ever lasting sublime and instant gratification was never far away on your journey to self destruction. You loved the pain and you smiled, convincing yourself that you were above it all. You weren’t, you aren’t. You are nothing but the person you never wanted to be.
Did I miss my train? There I go getting lost in you again. Like a puzzle, trying to connect the pieces of who I was to who you are and where I want to be. It’s fascinating, you get angry because I was never normal enough or because maybe I reminded you of a vulnerability you looked to kill everyday. You trust no one, not even yourself, so where are you tonight? My body knew that you would leave one day and my heart knew that you were never mine but I still risked it. I still flew and I knew you wouldn’t catch me but I couldn’t not fly to you. Maybe it was never really you that was my destination, it was me, falling for love, opening up to something greater than myself. Even among your confusion and lack of self preservation, I think I found much more than I intended.
So where are you tonight?