I decided that the last time you left me for longing was the last time. I feel more empty than I’ve ever felt but it’s the type of forgetfulness I was in dire need of. You are snippets of a vibrant picture I once held. I still think about us in the most abstract way because it’s the only way I know how to feel about you. I’m starting to figure out that my connection with you was real and it wasn’t just because I knew the type of music you liked or because I knew your favourite football team. I wasn’t scared when I knew I wanted more from you. I took a risk, jumped from a cliff into a space I couldn’t see the end of and flew. And you weren’t there. Your head was turned and I fell.
And now, months after my crash, scribbles and open broken pieces of memories still laying around, I am able to feel a little bit less for you everyday. Finally. No more phone calls or texts or random hopes of your car being there when I come home. My nightmares are empty and my dreams are forgettable. I asked God one night to help me because I couldn’t conquer myself by myself. I wasn’t able to stop the constant flow of thoughts and I needed help. I don’t know if there is a God but I know I’m not the only one here for me so I am at day 3. Can you believe it? I still think about you and the TV shows we could watch together and laugh at. But I know I would much rather do it on my own then try to better someone that doesn’t even acknowledge they are sick.
You always used to call me strange and maybe it was the reason why you couldn’t see us working but I know that I am not. But you are. Your sociopathic behaviour, abusive brain and lack of heart for me makes me want to save you, uncrack the exterior to find a good person and maybe you are but I can’t find it. You are insidious in how you speak to me and make me feel less than I am. I used to desperately want to make you remember me. But I know you remember me. I know that I am something that you are not and that in itself is a memory that does not fade quickly no matter how much smoke and mirrors you throw at it. I am a constant reminder of the bravery you do not have, of the love you wish you had and the depth you lack.
It gets lonely at night, not being able to hear your voice, and I wonder at times, where you are, who you’re talking to and if I’m on your mind. But my mind knows better and my heart is finally starting to come around. I know you’ll get to a more peaceful place, where the constant chase of the next thrill doesn’t linger. Where true love and trust trumps sex with strangers and generic Valentines day dinners. Or maybe you won’t, but I can’t be there to find out. Not right now anyway.
So I move on into the darker hours of Day 3. I can’t predict I’ll feel this way tomorrow or even in a couple of minutes, but right now? I’m off of you.