People tell you to forget about him and you do for a little while. In between work and maybe a new boy to flirt with and that one friend who just seems to love you no matter how crazy or insane you are. You forget through all of the family drama when you want your family to visit you so badly because this will be the first Christmas you’ll be without them. Your sister has a life to tend to so staying for three weeks instead of one is not even an option and so you try to get over that inevitable loneliness you’ll feel when they leave. That is a great place to go to forget him.
You cook and clean and try to keep some sort of life going and sometimes you sleep for two days straight to keep the memories and other fucked up thoughts away. You block the world out with music that seems to speak to the core of you, tears and pain scream through the lyrics as you try to hold back your own at 3pm on a Wednesday. Your eyeliner looks on fucking point today and you’ll be damned if you have to re apply it. Quick check in the reflection of your monitor and you still look presentable, good. Your boss is a darling and seems to know you’re on the brim of a breakdown so he decides to flood your inbox and brain with information that is ‘urgent’ and really ‘critical’ so you fake the same sense of passion and it works like a charm. Bury yourself knee-deep in work is a hole deep enough for you to not think about him.
So when do you remember him? The time it takes for you to get from one breath to the next. The time you’re on the balcony staring at the sky and streets below and above you and wonder where he is in between all of the chaos. You think about him when you’re trying not to and when he laces your brain with his words, touch and breathing, this is when you grieve. The dread washes over you as you try so very hard to ride the wave and not drown. You are not taking a particular stance or facial expression, it just kind of happens all inside, physical movements aren’t a part of this. You look to reach out for something, a piece of distraction but it’s all just kind of useless, I can’t seem to concentrate on one conversation or focus on anything because you’re so overwhelmed. Death is a tricky thing, it can either free you or cage you and both happen, but for you, there’s a fair distance in between the two.
The next few hours are a blur. Sometimes this lasts days, but eventually it subsides and the day and time seems to start again. The grief lingers like a nagging hangover but daily routines allow you to function and you pay little mind. So when you think of him now, don’t hold back anymore as you once did before you knew how to grieve. Let all of it wash over you and I revel in the tears and gasps for air and release. You are slow to get up but you do and are exhausted but this is how you grieve. This is you being a complete and utter fucking mess but it’s also trying to configure your mind and life without him.
This is how I grieve.