An Open Letter To The Friend I Might’ve Lost For Good

Flickr / Yuriy Kuzin
Flickr / Yuriy Kuzin

Once upon a time, it was a cramped, small world, and we shared it. There were lines, like maps, marking silly little boundaries which we overstepped anyway, because it was you, and it was me, and it was us against anything.

Now I go through life on my own, waiting for you to remember that I’m still here. I’m just here, wondering when you’ll realize that once upon a time, I’ve loved you for who you were and who you were not, and that nothing has changed that, because really, nothing can.

I guess you don’t understand just how deeply I care for you. It may come across as pathetic, but I thought I’ve shown you enough for you to see that I’m with you through and through. You should be the one scarred when you gave me a knife to carve your heart out of your chest so you could show me; instead, you branded me that day. I’ve seen what you were made of, and I’ve decided to be the same. Now I’m left without so much as a backward glance and a hastily whispered goodbye, a moment I constantly replay with an achingly numbing echo inside my head.

I could have been strong enough for the two of us. I could have followed you around the world if you only gave me a chance. I’ve lost you so many times over so many things, but you’ve always come running back, following the thread I tied to your wrist to help you find your way to me. You used to crave me, and I didn’t realize how much I liked that until you pushed me back and cut the cord. Are you lost? Has it gotten too dark that you can’t even feel your way out, or did you turn out the light yourself?

Maybe you’re out there, building your dreams, laying one brick after another with some engineer as good as the architect you are. As for me, I’m just about ready to go mad, writing away the pangs of hunger and guilt that have become my companions in your loud, screaming absence. I tend to avoid riding in passenger seats of cars whose drivers I now know better than I will ever know you, simply because after everything, I still want to see these places beside you. Simply because I still believe that if it was up to you, if you had a choice, you’d still be in my life and I’d still have my best friend.

Wherever you are right at this moment, whatever you’re doing, whoever you’re doing it with, I hope the universe is being kind to you. I hope you remember me, and I wish, for once, you decide to act like it. I hope one day, even if our once small world has stretched to accommodate so many new people in our lives that we find that one corner where we started. I want you to be there, telling me that I meant to you half as much as you will always mean to me.

But if that corner has been filled with new memories and there’s no space left for an old friend to stand in, then I hope, for your sake, that it’s everything you’ve ever hoped for. TC mark

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