The 6 People Who Ruin Facebook For Everyone
By Sean Walsh
The Riddler
Post: “I’ve got big news y’all!”
What’s Wrong? Look, I love solving mysteries as much as the next guy, but when the comments under your ambiguous Facebook post have more crafted misdirection than an episode of CSI — I give up. It gets worse when the “big news” you eventually unveil is a tramp stamp covering up your old tramp stamp… even if horses were so 2009 and boat tattoos are totally in right now. Straightforward posts are your friend. I only want to be Nancy Drew once a year and that’s on Halloween.
The Bore
Post: “So bored. Who wants to drive around with me?”
What’s Wrong? Everything. If you have such a limited social skillset that you are unable to make plans with a single person you need to revisit 2nd grade, invent an imaginary friend and rebuild the way that you handle interactions with people. What you are doing right now is not and never will work. On second thought, you could also get in that car and go on that bored drive by yourself. You know two things that will make you less bored? Not talking about how boring you are and thinking about methods people employ to enjoy the company of other people. Hint: It’s not posting about boredom on Facebook.
The Trainer
Post: “It’s time to stop making excuses and start making muscle.”
What’s Wrong? If I am running on the street you can encourage me to run faster. If I am lifting in the gym you can critique my form. But if I am Facebook I am most likely sitting on my couch, eating a pack of twizzlers, and watching The Goodwife off of my DVR. I didn’t sign on to be yelled at by Cardio Barbie and recruited into her #fitfam. Random thought: if you are posting pictures and updates from the gym you need to focus more on your #dailysweat and less on harassing us casual power-walkers. There is a time and place to motivate someone to workout… it usually involves that person hiring you as a trainer and paying you actual money.
The Chef
Post: “Poached Egg, Grilled Asparagus, Seared Salmon with homemade Soy sauce! Good eats!! #Foodie”
What’s Wrong? Excessive food Facebooking gives me indigestion. I’m truly happy that you can craft five course meals and make artisanal candied bacon, but I become less impressed when each day includes several posts detailing your adventures in flavor and taste. I get it; some special events can warrant posting food pictures and menus… Valentine’s Day, Birthdays… maybe Tax Day? I don’t know, but I do know that your Facebook friends shouldn’t be able to calculate your daily carb intake by scrolling through your wall.
The Zoologist
Post: Pictures of dogs and cats. Too many pictures of dogs and cats.
What’s Wrong? No one will love your pet more than you love your pet. Sorry. Truth bomb! Let that sit for a minute. Internalize it. Sure, if you just got a puppy or kitten post a bunch of pictures. Babies, puppies kittens… we like small cute things. If four years later your Facebook has morphed into your pet’s Facebook, we have a problem. I went to college with you, I want to see what you are doing with your life. I don’t know Frank the Beagle and as droopy as his ears may be, I don’t need to see a picture of every nap he has taken in his life.
The Model
Post: An endless stream of Photoshopped pictures.
What’s Wrong? I’m not normally one to crush dreams, but unless more than half of your Facebook friends are agents or casting directors, spending hours editing pictures of yourself from a ‘bikini photo-shoot’ on ‘set’ at your grandparents’ pool will not make you a real model. Get a Post-It. Write, “OMG you are a model.” And stick it to your laptop. It will reaffirm your beauty without putting everyone else through the torment of your vanity. If you are a model, congratulations, but still… Facebook should not be a digital portfolio for your work. I am friends with some accountants and never see them posting pictures of their awesome spreadsheets.