The world held its collective breath recently as Apple unveiled its newest products, the iPhone 6 and the new Apple Watch. This is obviously a landmark moment in human evolution, but is your significant other a little too excited? Are you tired of being forced to talk dirty to him in that Siri voice? Have you had enough of his texting you from the bathroom about his latest “epic”?
If so, it may be time for an Internet-vention. Change the WiFi password, delete that Flappy Bird app from his phone, and hide his tablet at the bottom of the laundry hamper (where he will never, ever find it). First, though, use this handy guide to see if your gentleman cares about technology more than he cares about you.
He’s more excited about Apple’s product reveals than anything your outfit reveals.
When he has an orgasm, he yells “LEVEL UP!”
He considers a trip to Best Buy a romantic evening.
He refers to his penis “a joystick.” Actually, he calls it “a joystick from the Atari 2600 first-gen gaming system.”
His WhatsYourPrice.com dating profile lists him as “binary-curious.”
He wants to bring you home to meet his motherboard.
Your engagement ring is a Tesla coil.
His pickup line includes the word “interface.”
He can name more Internet porn stars than real-life pop stars.
After premature ejaculation, he screams in panic, “Control-Z! Control-Z!
You can never go on a double date because all his friends are virtual.
He wants to have a three-way so he can perform A/B testing.
He knows every button on his keyboard but can never seem to find yours.
He says you make his “hard drive totally solid-state.”
He refers to sex as “wetware hacking.”
He invites you to come sit on his laptop and cuddle.
During sex, he repeats under his breath, “input/output…”
He calls your new haircut an “upgrade” and asks if it includes any new features.
When ordering wine, he asks for the newest version.
In a romantic moment, he says, “You reroute my command prompt from my head to my heart.”
He then adds, “But you’re worth the resultant delay in processing.”
When proposing, he says, “URL I’ve ever dreamed of.”
He gets frisky by saying, “I don’t know if this is ROM-antic, but I’d love to RAM you.”
He makes you sit in the backseat because his laptop always rides shotgun.
He gets his soldering iron hot more often than he gets you hot.
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If one to nine of these apply to your relationship, reboot immediately.
If ten to nineteen of these apply, wait until he’s distracted by the Destiny release and get the heck out of there.
If twenty or more of these apply, something’s wrong with the Matrix. Tough it out if he’s The One and you look good in tight pleather. Otherwise, get yourself free and start dating a plumber.
No, not Mario. And not Luigi, either. Actually, never mind—you’re just where you belong.