I'm running for President and I hope to earn your support! pic.twitter.com/0UTqaIoytP
— Ted Cruz (@tedcruz) March 23, 2015
On Sunday night, Ted Cruz was the first person to officially announce his candidacy for 2016’s presidential election. Jeb Bush supposedly chuckled, and Hillary Clinton breathed a heavy sigh of relief when she got the news via unprotected email. The announcement was made in a 30 second clip that proves Cruz is terrible at politics but has excellent taste in Hollywood films. Here are 31 thoughts had during those thrilling 30 seconds:
1. Hell yeah, a climate change denier telling us it’s time for truth!
2. A time for truth and…corn?
3. Did Christopher Nolan direct this?
4. Super phallic building: “A time to rise to the challenge.”
5. Ted Cruz enjoys dick jokes.
6. Ted Cruz follows up dick joke with a shot of a church, mocks all of us religious folk.
7. “I believe in America and her biker gangs.”
8. What says “Judeo-Christian values” better than a Harley-Davidson?
9. It’s not a Republican ad without baseball
10. Of course the kid’s number is 7. Of course it is
11. Classic “American flag atop a huge structure” shot.
12. This is definitely a Christopher Nolan production.
13. “…restore our promise.” Vague filler words that sound patriotic but have zero context.
14. First time in years that the Golden Gate Bridge wasn’t destroyed in a film.
15. It’s not a Republican ad without a barefoot vanilla child.
16. When did political campaigns get so artsy?
17. Classic “New Yorkers walking on the sidewalk” shot.
18. No one in that shot gives a single shit about Ted Cruz.
19. “This here is a tractor, son.” “Dad, you should really quit drinking.”
20. “Courageous conservatives.” Ted Cruz enjoys alliteration and oxymorons.
21. White kids. White kids everywhere.
22. Ted Cruz hates gays, puts three obviously gay men in first campaign ad.
23. Ted Cruz doesn’t understand sexual tension.
24. Seriously, having a flag hanging so close to flying sparks is a major fire hazard.
26. White peop-HOLY SHIT BLACK PEOPLE!
27. Ted Cruz includes every demographic that is definitely not going to vote for him.
28. Was that Elvira?
29. Goofy-looking Ted Cruz is the man to “lead the fight.”
30. “Heeyyyy youu guuuyyyyyyssss!” – Ted Cruz
31. This is going to be the craziest presidential election of all time.