I’ve been an active Facebook user since I fired up a profile freshman year of college. I once started a courtship with a long-term girlfriend by poking her, so you know I’ve been way into this shit from the very beginning.
But lately, I’ve grown crestfallen with Facebook. My feed is the same shit over and over and over and over again. It’s like instead of using the opportunity to show any true individualism you have, people have instead fallen into the stereotypical kind of Facebook users you can be.
I felt like I needed some time away from Facebook, But 10 minutes after deactivating my profile, I discovered I couldn’t have a Spotify account without it. They’ve managed to hold my “Boner Jamz” playlist hostage.
So I’m going to keep my music and spend some time trying to make Facebook a better place. Here are some of the annoying clusters of people showing up on your feed on a daily basis. If you know people like this, forward this story along to them. Maybe they’ll change for the better.
*Puts in headphones, fires up “Boner Jamz,” begins bobbing head to Pretty Ricky song.*
1. The traveler: Since the inception of social media, traveling has become something different than going to a place to check it out and “find yourself” or whatever. Now it’s more about taking a bunch of pictures you share with all of your online friends, just so people will know that you’re a free spirit and a citizen of the world or some shit. It has become expected, actually, in recent times, to take sharable pictures of every event you go to. I traveled a 30-minute subway ride last weekend to the Governor’s Ball music festival and people looked at me like I was some sort of asshole when they asked for pictures and I said I hadn’t taken any because I was too busy trying not to bust a nut in my pants while watching Lana Del Rey perform.
2. The girl who fucking LOVES pizza: We all love pizza to some extent, but you can usually tell a person who genuinely loves ingesting pizza by, you know, looking at them. You see me out there in the world, and you’re like “Yeah, that dude probably has a slice or seven every now and then. I bet he’s gonna have pizza TONIGHT, actually—and not that good stuff either. He’s going to spend $5 on a Hot n’ Ready, and $5 more on artery-clogging dipping sauces.” I have a few Facebook/Instagram friends who are extremely pretty, and who seem absolutely hell-bent on letting you know that they crush pizza with startling regularity. At worst, they’re bullshitting us all. At best, they really are eating that much pizza and have such an enviably speedy metabolism that they shouldn’t be broadcasting it to the masses.
3. The girl who asks people to bring her things: “OMG CAN LIKE SOMEBODY PUHHHLEASSSSSE BRING ME A BURRITO?!,” the insufferable person typed. (I’ve actually heard of women going on Tinder and getting their matches to have a pizza delivered to their apartment. That seems like a good way to have a serial killer show up at your doorstep, or a guy with a hole cut in the box/pizza who will tell you he brought you an “extra large sausage pie.”)
4. The “Hot Take” extraordinaire: These people are simultaneously the worst and most entertaining people on The Facebook. They’re contrarian as fuck, specifically for the sake of being contrarian, but they always manage to elicit responses from people who take their bait. Trolls, man.
5. The (often woefully misinformed) political pundit: There’s a huge faction of these crazy motherfuckers out there—the backwoods (or wannabe backwoods) folks who spout all kinds of shit about how they sincerely believe the POTUS somehow managed to forge a birth certificate, and about how if gay people are allowed to be married everything will come even more unraveled than it already is, and we’ll be unceremoniously fucked straight to judgment day. These are the idiots who think Jeb Bush should run a country for at least four years—the people who spout off statuses against education reform that are rife with spelling and grammatical errors.
6. The country music fan: I don’t listen to country music very often, but I ALWAYS know when Kenny Chesney is playing a concert in my hometown, because everyone who goes to it posts about it like they’ve just attended the fucking United Nations Peace Summit. Except in jorts. While drinking Busch Light. A lot of Busch Light. And they are unfathomably proud that they tailgate before these shows. I like to scroll through the tailgating photos and see how many fat shirtless dudes I can spot, and how many Confederate flags.
7. The in-shape activist: I have nothing against people asking for your charitable donations, or promoting events where you can help them meet some sort of fundraising goal. But I can’t be the only one who is starting to get pretty annoyed by the people who embark on some sort of fitness journey for their own self-improvement, and they use charity as the veil for their true motivation. I almost gave a friend money to run a race once, because I believed in the cause and so she would leave me the fuck alone, but then I just donated straight to the organization when I found out she was going to use funds she raised to pay for her entry into the race, and THEN the rest was gonna go to charity. (Admittedly, the entry fee for many of these races go to charitable causes, at least partially, but I still feel like if you feel that strongly about a charity, you should at least chip some dough in too if you’re asking others to donate.)
8. The fitness freak/guru: If you work out, it’s going to show in pretty much any photo you take. So there’s no need to take a picture of yourself working out. So put on a shirt, put your selfie stick down and go butt-chug a bulletproof coffee.
9. The religious zealot: I can say with a great deal of confidence that nobody capable of rational thought has ever been clicking through their feed and been instantly born again because they saw a post where somebody slapped a biblical verse on a mountain backdrop. And Facebook isn’t the forum (actually, there really is no sensible forum) for you to spout off your antiquated, religion-fueled opinions about gay marriage or sinners or whatever. The worst thing about this is if it turns out nothing does happen when you die, these people will never know that they were completely wrong about pretty much everything. But you’ve also got to think that if there is a god and an afterlife, he/she/it is going to be like “Whoa, man, you were waaayyyyy off on a lot of stuff. Go think about your social media presence in purgatory for a few centuries.”
10. The yoga girl: The trend has basically become that if you’re doing a yoga pose and there’s not photographic evidence, it does not count. And it’s annoying as fuck. I commend you for learning to do a handstand, but you don’t need to have somebody take a picture of you doing one in front of every backdrop anywhere you ever go. I mean, one of my passions in life is reading books, but I don’t take a picture of myself staring thoughtfully at my Kindle screen in front of every landmark I encounter.
11. The selfie queen: Selfies make me kinda sad, to be honest. I don’t mind seeing them every now and then, but when people post them daily I start to get a little empathetically despondent. I start thinking, “Damnit, doesn’t this person ever have anybody around who is willing to snap a quick picture of them? Do they live a life of complete solitude? And why is it that they always take these selfies in a car? I hope it’s not while they’re actually driving.”
12. The worryingly proud binge drinker: I was this guy for a while in college, but then I realized one’s drinking habits aren’t much to be proud of. It’s really easy to drink booze every day. Trust me. I do it. You reach a point where you’d prefer people NOT see how often you drink. (Oh fuck. I’m an alcoholic aren’t I? *Pounds eight shots of scotch, starts posting emo lyrics as Facebook statuses.*)
13. The distant relative who always weighs in on your life but usually does not understand what is going on: I have an uncle who really likes to “like” my posts and then comment something like “Wait, I don’t get it. What’s going on?” Or he’ll take something I say sarcastically in the most literal way possible.
14. The bizarre oversharer: I see a lot of weird shit on Facebook that probably shouldn’t be shared. Like sonogram pictures. (Baby pictures? Knock yourself the fuck out. But wait until they’re born. It’s weird to see into your uterus.) Or a hideous contusion or other injury. I saw a picture the other day that was just a woman’s bruised arm with an IV sticking out of it, with a captioned complaint about how her nurse sucked at finding veins. Maybe she was saving the photo for a malpractice suit, but why share it with all your Internet acquaintances?
15. The person who doesn’t understand the concept of search engines: Why would you crowdsource how to make French toast? If you just Google it, you’ll end up with a million recipes, many of them posted by professional chefs.
16. The gamer who constantly invites you to join in: It has to be only a matter of time until someone actually murders another person because he or she sent them one too many fucking Criminal Case invitations. It wouldn’t surprise me if this had already happened.
17. The joke-stealing “influencer”: To be fair, this one is probably more of an Instagram thing, but since all of these influencers cross-post everything to Facebook, I’m including it. These people constantly post jokes, videos, photos, memes etc. that you’ve seen elsewhere, which makes it all the more depressing when you see they’ve garnered thousands of “likes” just for stealing shit. It seems like these people are usually good-looking, and have managed to monetize it as an influencer companies will send free shit to. (To be honest, this one is mostly just about me being bitter that I’m not a beautiful person who can get away with joke-stealing while simultaneously making money from wearing artisanal onesies.)