The Voice Of The NYC Subway System Gets Real, Goes Deep

“Ladies and gentlemen, we are being held momentarily by the train’s dispatcher. Oh, come on. Stop your fucking groaning. Don’t you realize that if the train’s dispatcher did not hold us right now, we would be sent into the path of another train, likely resulting in a terrible collision and at least several severe injuries and/or casualties? Which would make it even more difficult for us to justify the next fare raise.”

“If you see a suspicious package, feel free to tell the guy sitting across from you to quit man-spreading. If he does not, take a picture, please do not hesitate to publicly shame him.”

This is a Brooklyn-bound M Train. Get ready for a slow ride, motherfuckers. *Foghat begins playing over the stereo system.*

“We are being held momentarily due to train traffic ahead of us. It is not the MTA’s fault that this is the third time this week you’re going to be late for work. Well, OK, today it is the MTA’s fault, but it isn’t our fault if your boss doesn’t believe you, as you slept in late the other two days and used the steadfast excuse that the MTA sucks dick. Both times.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, do you ever pause to think for a second about how many germs are on this train? God, it’s amazing, quite honestly. Is it just me, or does anybody else find it absolutely amazing that this city hasn’t made hand sanitizer dispensers available on the train cars, or at least at the stations?”

“The downtown A and C trains will be running express from 42^nd Street to West 4^th street. Because fuck you, that’s why.”

“Stand clear of the closing doors. God, you know what? I don’t even know why I bother. You people never listen, and then the doors shut halfway, then open again, then they shut almost the whole way, then open again, then they actually do shut the whole way, but soon open yet again, probably because some asshole is leaning against the door with his backpack on and an errant strap got caught in the door. Come on, buddy. Shape up.”

“We apologize for any inconvenience. Do we mean it? Of course not. We don’t give a flying fuck about you, because we know that no matter what we do or how high we hike our fares, you’ll keep using the MTA system. We have you right where we want you!”

“Boy, do you guys realize how absolutely fucking insane it is that we have built this entire tunnel system underneath such a gigantic city? You know what would be cool? If one of those hundreds of likely insane preachers who come on here spouting nonsense every day would start preaching about how amazing some of mankind’s accomplishments are.”

“Sometimes, I think about what it would be like if we played that ‘woooooommmmmp’ sound you hear in all the scary, epic film trailers these days really loudly over the speaker system. Man, everyone would flip the fuck out.”

“When a train is approaching, be sure to stand back from the tracks. You don’t want to get hit by a train, do you? It’ll probably kill you, which is terrible enough, but it’ll also make everyone in this city complain, because your sudden demise will produce delays and annoy pretty much all of the commuters, many of whom will briefly wonder if the entirety of your life was worth it for you to fuck up so many peoples’ evening commute, if only for just one day. It’s a strange ethical conundrum, and most people will think deep down that maybe it would have been better if you never existed, so I repeat: stand back from the fucking tracks, and have a nice day.”

“If you are playing music from your mobile device without headphones plugged in, you should stop doing so, because that shit is not cool. If you find yourself sitting next to someone who is doing so, take out your headphones and put on Celine Dion as loudly as it will go. Get your face as close to his or hers as possible, and begin bobbing your head and singing along with those sweet, sweet Canadian vocals.”

“Do you guys know why you never see people walking the trains preaching about atheism? It’s because atheists realize that it’s a complete waste of time to preach about or argue about atheism with others. Because if we’re right, neither of us is going to know it when we die anyway.”

“Transfer is available to the P.A.T.H. or, as I like to call it, the cusp of the Gates of Hell.”

“If ever you hear a young man shout ‘What time is it?! Show time!!!!’ you should stand up and obstruct his and his cronies’ paths immediately. If you fail to do so, you should stick your legs out and try to trip them. Why is it that a bunch of teenage males have to pole dance on here? Real professional strippers would make so much more money.”

Like this piece? Get more awesome stuff and great writing by liking TC Zine here.