I’ll start by saying that I think the Dad Bod is a bunch of bullshit. And this is coming from a guy who has a Dad Bod.
Guys with Dad Bods don’t get girls specifically because they have a Dad Bod, but because they have a personality that outshines their physical appearance. They don’t need CrossFit to be attractive. If I get laid, it usually doesn’t happen because a girl saw me walking down the street and was like, “Oh, be still my heart! That guy’s burgeoning man breasts are getting me all hot and bothered!”
But if you really want to build a Dad Bod of your own, I can give you a few pointers. If you follow my horrible advice, you’ll have a Dad Bod in almost no time. (That’s the fun of it—it’s so much easier to put on some weight than to take it off!)
1. Drink with wild abandon, and do so often. I never understood why people call alcohol “empty calories.” They’re not empty at all. They put on the weight just like any other calorie! And drinking is fun. I bet getting drunk is the most fun you’ll have in your journey to the perfect Dad Bod. If you drink enough and follow the rest of my regimen, you should have a rockin’ Dad Bod by the time Independence Day rules around, which is ideal, because there’s nothing like bangin’ out a beautiful baby to salute America and Uncle Sam. Copious amounts of beer are your best bets if you want to see quick results. The carbs will really help you put on those love handles!
2. Every night before you go to bed, set your alarm to go off early and tell yourself that you’ll wake up and go get some exercise. When the alarm goes off the next morning, reset it to the latest possible time you can conceivably get out of bed and still make it to work or class on time. Shame yourself a little bit for not having exercised, just to make sure you’re at negative endorphins to start the day. That’ll expedite your weight gain.
3. Sleep in whenever you can. You’ll be surprised how your body transforms when you’re spending 12 or so hours a day in bed.
4. Don’t think much about what you eat, at least not from a nutritional standpoint. Eat what you think is going to taste good. Stop thinking about portion control in the traditional sense. Instead, control your portions based only on the amount of food you can reasonably afford.
5. When you’re out drinking late, make sure you eat a hearty meal when you get home, just before going to bed. If you’re coming home without female companionship, then it’s clear you still have more work to do to prime your Dad Bod. Don’t be afraid to eat away the loneliness. Just know that soon it’ll all pay off and you’ll have girls lined up around the block, yearning for you to give them a shot at the title!
6. Set aside at least one day of your week as a day when you will be completely gluttonous. It’s like the “Cheat Day” principle people on “healthy” diets sometimes employ. Just sit on the couch all day, playing videogames, watching TV shows, movies and SPORTS while eating whatever your soon-to-be-congested heart desires. If you’re into drugs, marijuana will give you that boost you need to consume more calories than you ever thought possible. Some of the best Dad Bods I’ve ever seen may not have been possible to cultivate without the steady aid of cannabis.
7. Don’t eat breakfast. This may seem counterintuitive given my previous tips re: eating like a senseless idiot who ain’t scurred of Type II Diabetes, but if you eat breakfast it gets your metabolism going early. It’s important to keep your metabolism at a virtual standstill. It’s better to start eating after noon, and to have your meals made up of massive quantities. Space them out far from each other. However, if you check yourself out in the mirror in the morning and you’re not looking as gelatinous as you like, a shot of ranch dressing or mayo is encouraged. (That doesn’t count as breakfast.)
8. Sit down as often as you can. It’s important to remain sedentary when possible.
9. Don’t manscape. A hairy Dad Bod is the most authentic Dad Bod.
10. Have fun and stick with it. It’ll take some time and a great deal of consumption and laziness, but I’m confident you can get the Dad Bod you want. And then when everyone admits that the Dad Bod is bullshit, you’ll be in a great position to drop a bunch of weight, which will impress people. I can’t guide you in getting rid of the Dad Bod, though. For something like that you’d probably have to consult Chris Pratt.