I am not the most vocal lover. I’m not, like, a dirty talker or anything like that—unless I’m asked. Apparently, my dialogue is pretty limited and quiet and is accompanied only by deep breathing and the occasional low-level grunt. Occasionally I’ll try and whisper something sultry about how it feels good, but that doesn’t do shit for anybody, because it’s sex. Everybody already knows it feels good.
Recently, a woman I’d been doing sex things with wondered aloud how much I had enjoyed our most recent session. I’d enjoyed it very much, but she was wondering because she hadn’t gotten the verbal acknowledgment of my enjoyment.
“You’re just always so quiet,” she said.
So I’ve made a concerted effort to be a bit more vocal, especially at the point of orgasm. I’ve found out good things to say, and bad things to say.
Here is a list of some things you should not say.
1. Let the beat drop!
2. Wow, it really does feel the same no matter who you’re with!
3. Andddd…boom goes the dynamite.
4. MANSPLAIN THIS!!!!
5. Are we human, or are we dancer?
6. Drrrrrainnnnnedddddd it!
7. There is no Dana. Only Zuul.
8. Teach me how to Dougie, please.
9. You want to buy some Girl Scout cookies?
10. I’m pretending to do this ON YOUR FACE!
11. Where have all the cowboys gone?
12. Splish. Splash. Soon we should take a bath.
13. Crash…into me.
14. Hereeeeeee’s Johnny!
15. Only God can judge me!
16. Sonny came home with a vengeance!
17. You’ll never ever leave me will you?!
18. Where am I? Who am I? Is any of this real?!
19. Check out my upload speed!
20. I killed them. I killed them all.
21. No treble!
22. About 30 seconds from now I will wish I had worn a condom.
23. Spin cycle…finished!
24. I’m gonna need a pizza.
25. Andddd now I’m going to call my mom.
26. Please be sure to tip your bartenders and waitresses!
27. And that right there is number eight for the week!
28. You have Plan B around here somewhere, right?
29. I came here to make friends.
30. You’re wearing a diaphragm right?
31. I’ll always remember you…as my first.
32. Feel my stomach slapping against yours in…perfect…harmony!
33. God I miss her so much. [Start weeping heavily.]
34. I’ve had better.
35. I like that your cat watches. I like it a lot.
36. That right there is how you intercourse.
37. [Hum the theme song from “Shaft.”]
38. If ya can’t come in her, come on her!
39. More like 50 Shades of Spray, amirite?!
40. You are mine now.
41. Now let’s move onto butt stuff!
42. Hashtag nutting!
43. Leave the cash on the dresser and get the hell out of here!
44. Sweet Sassy Mollasey!
45. Say my name! Say your name! Because I forget your name!
46. Oh, Bae!
48. I can’t wait to tell all my friends about this.
49. You’re my Konstantine!
50. I love you.