Meatloaf is a badass, ballsy motherfucker. (This is kind of a joke about how he played the testicle-less dude in Fight Club. But it’s also serious.) By his own proclamation, he would do a lot of stuff for love. Like running into hell and back (as if you can even escape hell once you end up there). He actually claims, many times, that he will do anything for love. But then he backtracks and says he won’t do that.
Here is a definitive list of those thats:
1. Forget the way you feel right now.
2. Eat his way out of a swimming pool filled with lima beans.
3. Admit that Lena Dunham deserves to be the voice of a generation. (Look: Meat would never lie to you. And that’s a fucking fact.)
4. Get tested for gonorrhea because they shove a rod in your urethra when it’s unnecessary. You can just get antibiotics and take them and everything will clear itself up.
5. Go gluten free.
6. Forgive himself if you and he don’t go all the way tonight.
7. Go skydiving, because that is something only insane people do.
8. Visit an IKEA in a major metropolitan area on a Sunday afternoon.
9. Become an Ice Road Trucker.
10. Trust the United States Postal Service.
11. Vote for Jeb Bush.
12. Vote for Joe Biden. (I think we can all agree Wild Joe is a lovable dude, but he shouldn’t be running a country.)
13. Do it better than he’ll do it with you. (For so long!)
14. Turn down an opportunity to do backup vocals on a Spice Girls reunion album.
15. Ask you to donate money to some charity in exchange for his doing some sort of physical exercise.
16. Reveal his sources.
17. Do feature vocals on a Nickelback song.
18. Stop dreaming of you every night of his life.
19. Violate the bro code.
20. Give up PF Chang’s chicken lettuce wraps.
21. Answer you if you refer to him as “Robert Paulson.”
22. Take a bullet. He’d like to think he would if the situation ever arose, but he’s just not confident enough to say he definitely would.
23. Give up (what’s left of) his career to become an Uber driver.
24. Forget everything and move on.
25. Challenge the devil to a fiddle showdown or a dance-off.
26. Abstain from online pornography.
27. Make fun of Floyd Mayweather to his face re: his alleged inability to read.
28. Drive a motorcycle across the country. It just seems like an unnecessary risk.
29. Reveal his special green bean casserole recipe.
30. Watch an episode of any reality series that stars any of the Kardashians or Jenners.
31. Say “no” to a cute little girl scout who comes around the neighborhood to sell some cookies.
32. Turn down on a Saturday night when he’s feelin’ all right.
33. Make a DiGorno pizza because they’re garbage and not even comparable to the vast majority of pizza parlors that deliver.
34. Quit taking the occasional bong hit, because damnit, Meat works hard, it helps him relax and if you can’t understand that then you probably shouldn’t have gotten together in the first place.
35. Dabble in Scientology. Or most organized religions.
36. Update his Facebook cover photo to a Marilyn Monroe quote.
37. Run a full marathon.
38. Admit what happened that one night back in ’79. He will take that shit to the grave, OK? So quit asking.
39. Compromise the man he is and has always been. Meat has values. He has a way of doing things. He’s happy with the life he’s forged on his own, and he doesn’t think that the person for him is going to try and change a whole bunch of his habits and characteristics. I mean, sure, he’ll compromise, but that’s different than his changing just because you decide you want him to, you know?
40. Sooner or later be screwing around.