The Things I Have Done To Get Out Of Having Sex

Sometimes, the idea of having sex with someone seems like a terrible way to spend a few minutes. You can be drunk, tired, depressed, etc.

Wen this happens to me, do I say I’m not in the mood, that I don’t feel like doing the thing that I have very openly said a million times is the best activity I have ever experienced?

Of course not. Telling a woman you do not want to have sex with her because you “don’t feel like it” is probably not a great idea. I’m the kind of person who believes that honesty isn’t always the best policy, especially in scenarios where lying doesn’t really hurt anything, but keeps another person from having hurt feelings. So when I pass on sex, I make an excuse. I fib.

I usually regret it in the not so distant future. Not my dishonesty, but the fact that I passed on sex.

Here are some of the things I’ve done in the past to get out of having sex:

1. Pretended I lost my phone.

I got a booty call one night after I was already getting deep into about $40 worth of Chinese food while watching episodes of “Friends.” (It’s more fun than you may think.) I love sex and I love Chinese food, but the two shouldn’t be had in close succession, especially when you are extremely gluttonous while drinking. (I also feel bad abandoning Chinese cuisine for a woman because I’ve loved Chinese for a longer time and it will always be there for me.)

The next morning, I told her that I had lost my phone and just recovered it.

2. Created a fake girlfriend.

“I’m kind of seeing someone,” I said as I grasped her shoulders and took a step back.

“Part of you doesn’t seem to care too much about that,” she said, nodding at the erection pressing uncomfortably against me jeans.

“Yeah, well, he’s not in charge anymore,” I said then left the room.

3. Faked sleep.

This must be the best way to get out of having sex with someone with whom you are already in close quarters with in a place where you have no plausible means of escape. Just roll over, close your eyes, let your face go slack and do not break slumbering character for any reason. They might poke and prod at you. They might shake you and tell you to wake up. At the most, let out a few grunts and lip smacks but never give the impression that you have returned to the realm of full consciousness.

4. Irish Goodbye’d.

If you are not there, a person cannot have sex with you. It’s science. There had been a very clearly stated interest from a woman who told me she desired to “fuck my brains out.” I did not want to fuck this woman, much less if doing so cost me my brains. So I made like I was going outside to smoke a cigarette (I don’t even smoke) and I made a break for it.

5. Faked a migraine.

I suffer from migraines rather often. They’re terrible. Everybody knows this. So one time when I was dealing with a drunk and very persistent woman, I told her I was beginning to experience “auras” which are the tell-tale signs that a migraine is impending. I almost always get vertigo before my migraines kick into full-gear. So I explained what “auras” were and then fell flat on my face while I was attempting to hail a cab home. That really sold it.

6. Said, “My friend likes you.”

I was gunning for another woman. It was unlikely to happen, but I hadn’t reached the “drunken settling” point yet. So I told the woman my friend had been eyeing her up all night and asking me questions about her. I pointed him out, she walked in his direction and I turned my attention back to he current apple of my eye. While I’d been talking with the woman I was trying to pawn off on my friend, the other woman had left with some dude. I Irish Goodbye’d and went home to eat Chinese. I gifted my friend the leftovers the next day to congratulate him on busting out of his sexless slump.

7. Got really drunk.

“Maya is going to try and have sex with you, you know that,” my friend said. “She does every time she’s newly single and she’s anywhere near you.”

“I don’t think I want to do that again,” I said. “I’m going to get too drunk to have sex.”

“So, typical Friday?”

“Uh-huh.”

I went for broke—starting with the pregame. I was basically mainlining Red Label for two hours before we even left my friend’s apartment. I could barely cognitively function by the time we entered the bar. I remember nothing after my second drink there.

I woke up in her bed, shaking my head. My movement woke her up, as well, and she proceeded to tell me how drunk I’d been, that she’d taken care of me for most of the night, and that when we returned to her place I was unable to pitch a tent.

She started kissing my neck and asking me if I wanted to give it another shot.

“Sorry, I have to go,” I said. “My roommate wants me home early to paint the walls. (Add that one to the list, I guess.)

8. Said a friend was going through a break-up and needed me.

Things were getting hot and heavy but then there was something weird going on down there that I don’t really want to talk about or even remember. It took me right out of the mood, but I was already too far into the foreplay process to just hop up and be like “This just doesn’t feel right on a spiritual level, you know?” So as I went on that awkward naked condom search, I checked my phone, reacted to the screen with a look of severe concern, and told her about how my best friend was going through a break-up, was having a horrible time, and said he really needed me.

“Well, we can be quick…” she said.

“No, I said, coming across the bed and kissing her chastly. “When we do this, we’re going to do this right.”

9. Fake vomited.

I was wing-manning for a friend who was about to have sex with his White Whale. He’d said he’d do anything for me if I went home with her friend.

“I don’t understand why these things have to happen,” I said. “Why can’t you just go home with Beth, and Claire and I will part ways and you still get laid?”

“I don’t know man. They’re fucking weird.”

“Fine, I’ll do it.”

I relented. There was nothing wrong with Claire, she was just one of those women who seemed like she might get a little bit clingy after a part of you spent a short amount of time inside of her.

We were both in varying stages of undress when Claire whispered, “Scott, I love you.”

“What?”

“I love you.”

“Oh.”

I kissed her for about another five seconds and then declared that I had to go to the bathroom, where I proceeded to let out the most convincing dry heaves of my life. I think I even broke some blood vessels in my face.

I returned to the bed and immediately feigned sleep. I snuck off in the early hours as she slumbered.

As soon as I got home I told my friend he needed to come over and cook me some eggs benedict.

“You owe me, remember?” I said.

10. Complete honesty.

One time I unexpectedly got a massage with a happy ending. I went with it to completion, because why not?

Later that night, I was in a position to hook up with a girl and I could not get one up.

“Trust me—this never happens,” I said, immediately realizing that this is probably what any dude would say regardless of how often it happened. So I took it a step further. “Earlier today—before I met you—I accidentally got a hand job from an Asian masseuse. And so I guess that kind of, you know, took it out of me. Plus I’m really drunk right now. I could keep trying but I feel like it’s just going to get more awkward, especially given what I just for some reason told you. I’m just gonna go ahead and go home.”