Every year, I seem to find myself scrambling for a Halloween costume idea and execution a few days before the holiday. Throughout the year, I come up with many different ideas I think would make an impressive costume, but then I completely forget about them. Then I end up dressing as something very lame. It’s like when I used to walk into a video store and completely forget about the 100 films I’d intermittently put on my must-see list, and settle instead for renting Varsity Blues for the 80th time. (I DON’T WANT YOUR LIFE.)
This year, I decided to jot down a few costume ideas as they came to me. Feel free to use them, if you like:
I imagine there are going to be an influx of these this year—mostly of girls wearing North Face, Uggs, etc. So to stand out as the most basic of the basic bitches, you’re going to need to bring a little something extra into the mix. Bring pumpkin spice Febreeze with you and spray it everywhere you go. Also, purchase chalkboard thought and speech bubbles on which you can write all kinds of basic things that basic bitches like to say. And do not break character the entire night. When in doubt, always remember one thing: YOU JUST CAN’T EVEN.
Pigeon Lady from Home Alone
Dress up in a dirty trench coat with fake pigeons glued all over it. When you walk into parties, take either birdseed or, if you’re less of a dick, candy corn, out of your pocket. Then chuck it into the air and scream “KEVIN! RUN!” Extra points if you freak the hell out of people at night in a park, preferably Central Park. Actually, maybe don’t do this. It’s a good way to get beaten or shot.
Find a girl. Dress up like two normcore folks. Bring a plate of vegan snacks to whatever party you’re going to. Then stand in opposite ends of the party from each other, not interacting at all except to throw cursory, angry and aggressive glances across the room. People will ask you what’s up with you and your date, and you can tell them that you’re in the early stages of conscious uncoupling.
John Popper, lead singer of Blues Traveler, often wears a leather vest with a bunch of compartments made to store mouth harps and harmonicas. Make one of these for yourself, but instead of mouth harp containers, make the compartments the perfect size to fit flasks. You probably won’t be allowed to go into bars with this one, though.
Just dress up like one of those ridiculous hats Pharell is always wearing. And when I say “dress up” I mean fine a body-sized one that will cover all of you. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, just try and dress like the Arby’s logo.
Kentucky Derby Wes Welker
Dress up like you assume a devout Southern Baptist who is also a pimp would dress. Pop some Molly. Throw fake money around all night. Have a fucking blast.
Dick Cheney With A George W. Bush Hand Puppet
Recently, the New York Times had to print a correction when they referred to ole’ Dick as “President Cheney.” Legend has it that it’s not too far from the truth. Think this one might be a little stale since they’ve both been out of office for so long? I disagree. Society will never get tired of making fun of these two crazy dudes.
Key And Peele
Find a friend. One of you can dress up as a key, while the other one can dress up as a banana peel. Get it?
Look, if you’re a male who is going to dress up like a female this year, why not pay homage to the late Robin Williams by dressing up as the dude who dressed up like a female so that he could be close to his family in the wake of getting separated from goddamn Sally Field? This is the year to go full Mrs. Doubtfire, to run around like a hooligan screaming “Heeeeellllloooooooo” at any and all opportunities. If you do this years from now it will seem kind of bizarre. Not that bizarre is always a bad thing.
Basically just dress like Roger Goodell, except with some devilish flair. Like a red suit and devil horns. Also, carry around a pitchfork that you use to poke people with if you catch them doing drugs, and to just poke women with for no apparent reason whatsoever. If anybody asks you about your behavior and what kind of thought goes into it, look very confused (like you just had a lobotomy, maybe) and start talking about something else entirely.
A Marathon Of The Simpsons
Dress in some short running shorts and a tank top. Glue or embroider a bunch of characters from The Simpsons onto your clothing, and run around the city all night. You might even want to paint your skin yellow.