22 Things You Shouldn’t Say On A First Date

Along Came Polly
Along Came Polly

First dates are the best. Each one offers the opportunity for something meaningful and lasting—or, at the very least, a one-night stand, which is pretty cool. Other times, however, they can go horribly wrong. When they do, it’s usually partially because of something the guy said.

Here are some things you should NOT say if you don’t want to blow it:

1. “My favorite movie is definitely Step Up 2: The Streets.”

2. “I’m really into mobile technology. I’m hoping that later on I get to check into your vagina on FourSquare.”

3. “What is your sister up to tonight? No, the other one. Not the one I slept with in high school. Shit, I didn’t even know you knew about that. This is awkward. But yeah, what’s she up to?”

4. “So the waitress brought me bleu cheese instead of ranch, and that was when I found out I was capable of homicide. I made it look like an accident.”

5. “I’ll tell you this: you’re an excellent photographer, if the ones you put on that dating website are any indication. Like, the things you do with lighting and angles? They’re totally revolutionary. And misleading.”

6. “My favorite song is that one where rap artist, Lil’ John keeps yelling about ‘skeeting.’ Did you know he’s referring to expelling the male ejaculate?”

7. “For the past 78 fortnights I have dreamt of the moment when you and I would split a rack of ribs and then later a bottle of spermicidal lubricant.”

8. “Well, I kind of consider myself an artist, real avant-garde, though. What I want to do is this piece where I reenact the film Forrest Gump in real life, for the rest of my mortality. And I’m going to set up this website for people to tell me what to do when I reach the end of the film, so it’s like we can continue Forest’s story through me, until the day I die.”

9. “How was the ladies’ room? I definitely didn’t put any Rufinol in your wine while you were gone. But, well, I suppose that’s what I would’ve said to you if I had, too.”

10. “I just don’t understand how people can’t get behind the Catholic religion. It makes so much sense to me.”

11. “Let me tell you a secret: I snapped one off before I got here, so that later if we have sex we can have sex for longer.

12. “Oprah is a moron.”

13. “Leave the cash on the dresser and get the hell out of here.”

14. “I still don’t fully understand why I’m not allowed to at least try out for Jamaica’s bobsled team.”

15. “I bet I would’ve had ample time to learn more about feminism if I hadn’t spent so much time in my 24 years on this earth folding laundry and making my own damn sandwiches!”

16. “I do not care about your cat. And if the next sentence out of your mouth is something about how people are only allergic to felines until they get used to them, so help me God, I will not pay for your half of this 2 for $20 meal.”

17. “Well, if you want you can come over to my place and watch Homeward Bound—I have it on VHS. Or, we could just stop by there and grab it then bring it to your place, because my roommate is home. Unless you want to get tag-teamed tonight. It’s not my favorite, but, I mean, we’ve done it before so it’s not that big a deal. You have a VCR, right?”

18. “What do I do? Well, my dad tells all his friends I’m a Pool Boy, because I live with my parents, who have a pool at their house. But he’s just joking when he says that. I’m not going to clean his pool for him.”

19. “Golden Corral was not taking reservations tonight, for whatever reason, so I hope waiting is cool with you. It gets crowded on country fried steak night. If you want to do something to kill time ‘til the dinner rush is over, we can go shoot some skeet. You know, practice for later tonight?”

20. “We didn’t need to go the hooker route, but it seemed like a great idea at the time. And no, it wasn’t a bachelor party. Why does everyone always ask me that?”

21. “Nickelback is my favorite band, mostly ‘cause their lyrics are so extremely deep.”

22. “I love you.” Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Related

More From Thought Catalog