I was always the single friend in the group. At least I was for the first 20 years of my life.
I watched time and time again, as my girlfriend’s relationships would crumble to pieces. I would watch them cry in a ball on the floor of there rooms and I’d often find myself saying, with the absolute least amount of sympathy; “he’s just a boy, you’ll get over it.” They never listened to my advice, never. I would roll my eyes when they changed the radio as a Taylor Swift song came on. I would stop making plans with them until I knew they were at the point where their ex would not be the topic of every conversation. Basically I was cynical and an awful friend.
That’s because I didn’t understand, but how could I? From an outside perspective it was so easy to see that my friends were in a way better place having been dumped. Who would want to stay in a relationship with a person who didn’t want to be with them anyway?
Well let me tell you who… me, that’s who.
I recently had my first relationship with a guy who I thought had loved me very much. However that all ended, after I received a phone call one rainy Sunday morning back in October. As I picked up the phone and heard heavy breathing on the other end, I knew it was finally my turn to feel this so called “heart break” that I had been so skeptical about. As I listened to him say “I just can’t do this anymore” I felt as though my world was crashing down around me. I was caught completely off guard and I quickly hung up the phone, pretending it didn’t happen. But it did happen, it happened in a matter of 57 seconds and then it was all over. Although he still had feelings for me, his feelings for his ex had come back and he chose to be with her instead, leaving me alone with an open wound in my chest.
Now logically I knew that there was nothing wrong with that. People grow apart and people are allowed to fall out of love. I recognized that I deserve to have a person who would love me unconditionally and I knew there was no point of fighting for someone who did not want to fight for me. I quickly cut off all ties, and I have not reached out to him since. This is exactly the rational advice I had given my friends over and over again that they had so often ignored.
Until I experienced this heartbreak for myself I never realized that there in fact is absolutely no logic to it. There was no amount of friends I could cry too, chocolate I could eat, advice columns I could read and memories I could delete, that would bring me any peace of mind. Nothing that would logically seem to make things better did.
Heartbreak sucks, it really really sucks. The first couple of days I felt physically ill. It felt no different than when I had gotten my wisdom teeth out the month before. If anything it felt worse because there was no physical reminder that slowly I was healing.
Just as I could not help my friends as they were dealing with their own broken hearts, no one else could really help me. That’s because I was the only one who knew what I was going though, I was the only one who remembers the smell of his skin, the sound of his laugh and the taste of his lips.
I’ve learned a lot about myself through this whole experience but most importantly it has taught me that when love comes into play sometimes logic goes out the window and emotions can make you do crazy things.
From my own heartbreak I have learned not to judge, not to give advice for a situation that I do not fully understand but instead to listen, too give support and too let my friends know that they are not alone but that I will be there for them and that we will get through this together.