Questions I Have For Bicycles

How do you stay up? No, but, physics and, but, GRAVITY. HOW?

What are gears? Are they a real thing? Are they like when I felt sick when I was younger and my Mother would give me a chewable vitamin and tell me it was medicine and it would make me feel better? And so, if I am told that you have gears, and I’m all, ‘Gears, yes!’ it is understood that I can ride up ridiculous hills, and it will be like, what hill? Placebo gears, yes or no?

How do you stay so thin? I am doing all the goddamn work here.

Has everyone had a ride?

Why are you so noisy? Aren’t bicycles supposed to be silent? Isn’t this part of the myth? Electric cars, environment, noise pollution something something? I know I shouldn’t brake quite like that when coming ‘round a corner, and there are cars and children and kittens and whatnot and I probably should buy a light or a reflector or something but is it necessary to sound like Kate Bush?

That is not a seat (I know this isn’t a question but, come on).

Really, though, that is not a seat. Go to IKEA, do some research, get back to me.

“I want to ride my bicycle. I want to ride my biiiike.” Is this a metaphor?

If not, did you let him ride it where he liked? Within reason, obv.

UNDERWATER bicycles. Maybe, one day?

Cars: discuss. Or, see below.

‘Four wheels good, two wheels bad’. Thoughts?

Why are you so expensive? Are you not, essentially, bent playground equipment?

Why are you so cool? How do you get people to like you so much? Asking for a friend.

Do you like me?

Can I call you Bike? TC mark

image – Marcela

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  • Guest

    Prbably the most random article i’ve read in TC so far

  • Sigh

    “And so, if I am told that you have gears, and I’m all, ‘Gears, yes!’ it is understood that I can ride up ridiculous hills, and it will be like, what hill?”Not even sure if quoting a line is necessary to point out banal and borderline incoherent this article is.

  • http://twitter.com/overthebreaks Action Brovkin

    We can be friends.

  • Tuelle

    This was so funny! To the commenter who said this was “borderline incoherent” – it’s about writing/reading with perspective…

  • Anonymous

    “That is not a seat (I know this isn’t a question but, come on).”
    ha!

  • http://twitter.com/kyleangeletti Kyle Angeletti

    This was painful. So stupid. Not even close to funny. 

    Also, settle down. 

    • Customconcern

      Because, like: the author’s prose style, is like, really annoying! It’s like Gawker on a combination of like meth and anti-depressants! Like, I really respect that, you know, the author is trying to, um, find an outlet? But it’s like, no, please, don’t. Don’t, like, write like this, anyway.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

        Christ, it’s that valley girl speak. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/daphne.street Daphne Taylor Street

    You read my mind! When the elusive bicycles answer, please post a follow-up (and excellent writing, by the way).

  • Anonymous

    I liked it.  Seriously, gears are borderline voodoo to me.  And I live in SF, so I actually need the fuckers.

  • Damenhandle

    Hipster are talking to their bikes now? 

    • http://twitter.com/straponheart Evan Hatch

      You sure showed those fucking hipsters bro, always talking to inanimate objects like they do.

    • http://twitter.com/straponheart Evan Hatch

      You sure showed those fucking hipsters bro, always talking to inanimate objects like they do.

  • Sammy G

    This got published on TC and I didn’t. I’m going to go commit suicide now.

    • http://twitter.com/straponheart Evan Hatch

      All my derisive comments and intense self-hate are fueled by my bitterness from the rejection of my hastily written trend piece “Rape Gaze: How Sexual Violence (Somehow) Became a Musical Genre”.

      • Sammy G

        I lol’d.

  • eric

    just google bike gearing, jesus

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    Look for electric bicycles, whatever the fuck that is. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/yarbrobot Michael Yarbrough

    hello, i am a bicycle, and maybe i can answer some of your questions!

    first i understand that you’re out of the loop.  a lot of people dont, you see we’re an acquired interest.  theres just a lot to learn and some pople arent intense, or cool, or intellectual enough to get into it.  sorry.  excuse me i have a craft beer whose name i want to pronounce correctly.

    yeah girl, you can call me.  I only have a land line though, no cell phone.  is that okay.  I’m not home, I’m actually on a mountain right now, because I’m a mountain bike.  like I live on a mountain.

  • Tobias

    i come from a world where market hype rules and bicycles are churned out faster than apple products and have no idea what this article means.  

  • http://www.facebook.com/jennifer.stinnett Jennifer Stinnett

    I’m not trying to be hostile at all, I love TC…but this article is just beyond comprehension to me. WHAT?

  • http://fastfoodies.org Briana

    Unfortunately, I do not believe a bike will ever respond to your article, as bikes are inanimate objects incapable of producing speech.

    Signed,
    The Management

    • Mish737

      I’m disappointed TC, I know you can do better

  • http://fastfoodies.org Briana

    Unfortunately, I do not believe a bike will ever respond to your article, as bikes are inanimate objects incapable of producing speech.

    Signed,
    The Management

  • Hercules

    Dear Haters,
    Re: whimsy.

    Whimsy: It’s great.

    I found this article most amusing.

  • Random

    I know this writer and to here her called a hipster is hilarious. I know there are a lot of cruel people out there, but when they’re insulting someone close to you, it really hits home. Rude. My favourite comments are the ones where you’re crying that your writing did not make it onto this site, so pathetic! Brilliant! This is the sort of writing she does without thinking and it is gold.

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