When deciphering how much I’m willing to put up with from a potential love interest, I fail to factor in my needs every time. I always think, “what if I give up and they were the love of my life?” What I’m actually saying and not even realizing is, “what if I don’t suffer through this and regret it.”
Love isn’t suffering.
I just want to repeat that again because it needs to be cemented in my mind.
Love is not suffering.
Love is not how much bullshit you can put up with. Love is not inconsistency. Love is not fear. Love is not the way you feel after you pour your heart out only to receive nothing in return. Love is not how much confusion and pain you can endure.
Love does not hurt.
These are the things I have to remind myself of when I encounter the emotionally unavailable—The ones who claim to truly care, but only on their time and on their terms.
Love doesn’t have terms.
I admit I’ve made mistakes when it comes to relationships; I believe everyone has my best interest at heart. Now, that could be the naivety in me or the hopeless romantic. However, I will not fault myself for falling for the wrong people. To see the best in people before experiencing what could be the worst is not a curse. If we assumed the worst in everyone, how could we ever establish any kind of true connection? But I say that to say this,
You are not a stepping stone.
You are not an option. You are not the waiting room for people to decide when they are ready to treat you with the respect you deserve. When something is for you, it’s for you. If someone wants you the right way, they will fight for you the right way. It’s like that song goes, “if you love me, say it.”
If you want me,
Empty promises are the killer. They give you a glimpse of what something could be. You create scenarios in your head about the future and what it could hold and that’s what fucks us up. We aren’t grasping onto the reality, we are fixating on a fantasy. “He said he really cares for me and could even see himself marrying me.” Then you start visualizing your wedding dress and prepping vows, but… He hasn’t even committed to a relationship with you.
Fucked up, right?
Words without action hold no value and I need you to take that to the grave. Think of all the effort you put into the wrong person and how shitty it makes you feel.
I know you sit there and try to validate it.
“But he said from the beginning he wasn’t looking for anything serious. So can I really be mad at him for calling me babe, and calling to talk to me all day every day, and fucking me, and telling me I’m his favorite person to talk to and acting as though I’ve flipped his world upside down?”
Yes. You can be mad.
I agreed to the terms. YOU did the relationship things and then looked at me like it was my fault.. somehow my misunderstanding. It wasn’t.
So, distance yourself. And when you do, they will call— Relentlessly. They will question why things have changed, why you stopped replying and picking up. Stand your ground.
You do deserve better. You don’t just deserve attention when you’re pulling away.. when they won’t have someone to hit up when they’re bored and need a passing time. Make room for the right kind of love. Put that effort into someone who actually shows you what you mean to them and watch how it will flourish.
Watering dead flowers won’t bring them back to life.
It’s okay to let go.
And most importantly– make sure you’re loving yourself unconditionally always. The way you love yourself will show others how to love you,
And you will put up with nothing less.