I didn’t know why I couldn’t read him. He was so great at hiding his emotions. I don’t know if it was because he was numb inside or perhaps he’d been hurt before, but I was done trying to figure him out. Why do we want people who don’t want us? I never really understood it. He wants me, I want someone else, that someone else wants someone else.
I was briefly seeing someone over the summer, someone I was so thrilled about. I spent so much time trying to get him to see me in a new light. I tried to show him how great I was but found that no matter how hard I tried, he was never going to see me in a way that I wanted him to. I was hurting myself and wasted time that I won’t get back. He was still stuck on someone else.
I gave him a piece of me that I shouldn’t have, but to be honest, I don’t regret any of it. He taught me not to give myself to people who aren’t sure about me. He taught me that casual dating isn’t for me. For a second, I wanted to be like him. I wanted to be able to not get attached easily but quickly realized that isn’t who I am. I can’t date multiple people and treat them like they don’t exist.
I so badly wanted to know what was going on in his head. How could he date multiple women and not feel anything? I finally got the courage to ask him how he does it. Turns out, he was numb inside. When I found out, I was overcome with sadness. He learned how to disconnect from these things. We all deserve happy endings — I hope he learns how to open up his heart again, and I hope he knows not everyone is going to screw him over. Sometimes all it takes is a second chance.
During this summer, I compared myself to everyone, wondering what I could do differently, but I just realized I wasn’t it for him, and that’s okay. Now I know what I deserve. Not everyone will be it for me, and I won’t be it for everyone. Someone is going to see me for me and want every piece of me, and I’ll patiently wait for it.