I lost my virginity two weekends ago. I am 23-years-old and I can barely remember his first name. He lives across the country from me and there is not a chance in hell that I will see him again. A lot of people will judge me for this decision, saying I waited so long just to throw it away for nothing. But the thing is, I think it was the perfect way for me to lose it and I feel no shame, regret, or sadness with my decision.
I was a virgin for so long by choice, mostly. I made the decision when I was younger to wait to have sex until I was married. As I got older, I changed my mind about this but still wanted it to be important or mean something. And I still think that it was important and it did mean something, I actually think it saved me. My longest and most serious relationship was not a good one by any means. He was controlling and mean and fed off my insecurities. It started in high school and he was my first everything (aside from sex – obviously) and he was verbal in telling me that no one else could or would ever want me. Between my low self-esteem, his controlling nature, and his lies, I felt trapped. It took me far too long to get out of the situation and by the time it was over, I was a shell of what I had once been. He broke me. But throughout it all, I remained a virgin and of this I was proud.
This relationship ended years ago and over time I’ve grown stronger and learned to love myself a little more each day. However, I am still a very insecure person and on top of that I left that relationship with trust issues and a thick armor. I am very reluctant to let anyone in and my guard is always up. For this reason, I have not allowed anything to progress into an actual relationship or anything reminiscent of one. I set my standards ridiculously high because I never want to settle for less than I think I deserve, but I take it too far and find fault in everything and everyone. The only men I let myself think I could love are otherwise unattainable. I am attracted to men I know I cannot have because it eliminates the option of something going wrong, I know it’s doomed from the start.
These issues accompanied with my low self-esteem and desire to be in a committed relationship when I lose my virginity led to me being a twenty three year old virgin. It’s not that there were not options; it was just never the right person or the right time. So why was this stranger the right person? Why was a weekend getaway with friends the right time? Because it felt right. Because I felt secure in myself. Because he was kind, and funny, and smart, and complimentary. Because he made me feel beautiful and wanted and unbroken. I knew it would never be anything more than one night and that sounded beautiful to me. There were no expectations and no judgments. His compliments were genuine and continued long after they were necessary for the goal of the evening. We talked about life and love, religion and our childhoods. We joked and laughed and watched the sunrise over the lake and for one night, everything was okay.
Am I completely rid of my issues and insecurities? Absolutely not, but he helped me let my guard down, he showed me that I can be wanted, that I am worthy of love. So even though he will never be in my life again, I am glad he was in my life for moment.