When I say that I want you to be happy, I mean it. We’re used to thinking that no one can just move on from a lost love and genuinely want the other person to find happiness somewhere else in life, but I do.
Have you ever just had a “single” night where you get drunk by yourself and watch movies, play around online, eat junk food, and remain entirely unconcerned with what you look like? They’re the best.
Go to/host theme parties. Once people age out of their 20s, no one’s trying to wear pajamas or Saran Wrap out of the house. The only theme parties that exist after your 20s are ‘Wedding,’ ‘Baby Shower,’ and ‘Funeral.’
So every time your boss is all, “I LOVE THIS GUY. ISN’T DAVID THE BEST?!” you’re like, “Yes, he’s the best! …at making me want to hole-punch my eyeballs out… hey, Dave! What are you up to after work? Let’s get drinks!”
The first time you notice him you won’t really notice him at all. He’s a little bit too short, a little bit too soft in the middle. You’ll feel him watching you when you’re dancing with your boyfriend at a party before you turn around and catch his eye…
“This is so embarrassing. Don’t make me do this. Are you really asking me this question? I’m not even close to qualified for this job and we both know it, so I’ll go ahead and make something up about how my previous experience has somehow prepared me for this position. This is embarrassing. There — you’ve humiliated me. Are you happy?”
Texting me after 10 on a weeknight is a lost cause dude. I’m watching episodes of Seinfeld on my couch, in my sweatpants, eating pizza. I turned off Social Me like an hour ago, and once I turn it off for the night, it doesn’t come back on until tomorrow, midday at the earliest.
You see, my bed is actually on the opposite side of the wall of the stairwell, and the only window in the bedroom nook opens directly adjacent to the railing you all lean against, blow smoke over, and tell ridiculously unfunny jokes that are laughable only when their stupidity is recognized (or if you’re a drunk person in your group).
Perception is temporary and strange. What did I even do for dinner before I was with her? With certain people, this weird sense of loss stretches to encompass not only how they behave but their entire identity.
This new candidate comes out strong in the race for Worst Mother Ever: forcing a vulnerable and helpless child to hold hot sauce in its mouth while she berates it, then stripping its clothes and yelling “YOU ARE IN THE SHOWER BECAUSE YOU MADE BAD CHOICES. DO YOU HEAR ME?” while the child wails in terror. Video I hope she’s ashamed of inside.