I hate everything right now. If I were Picasso, we’d call this my “blah” period. It’s a time when I feel like absolute moose dung and everything that happens sucks forever. If I could sum up how I feel it would be a video of me going, “Uuuuuuuuugh” for twenty minutes until I passed out in a pile of my own saliva.
I have work I need to do but I don’t want to do it. I have people I need to call and I’d rather chew off a limb and swim through a pool of molasses than call anyone. I just want to collapse on my bed and not move for the next twelve years until it’s cooler outside and until somebody loves me.
I want everyone to leave me alone and I also want someone to come snuggle me and rub my back. Or I don’t want that. I want you to go away and stop talking and I want a hug and I want ice cream sundaes and I never want to eat again.
What causes these feelings? Why can you go from one day frolicking around in the sunshine with fuzzy rabbits and blue birds for friends and the next you’re living in a dark tower and your soul looks like Sauron and the slightest “cheep” from an avian friend makes you want to strangle a bald eagle? Of course nothing actually sucks. Maybe you don’t get a job you wanted or you don’t hear back from that cute person you met. Maybe all this stems from disappointment.
Like Yoda once said, “Disappointment leads to expectations and expectations lead to hate and hate leads to suffering.” Or something like that. When your expectations are high and then they’re not met, that’s when the seeds of hating the world are planted. They start to grow in your stomach and pretty soon the numbness or queasiness grabs your throat and you’re suffocated by all encompassing hate.
The most minor tasks become annoying. Your boss asks you to do something that any other day you’d find simple, if a bit stupid, but suddenly, their request is like asking you to be Michael Vick’s publicist. A daunting, horrible burden. Your legs don’t want to walk anywhere. Your brain doesn’t want to engage. Suddenly, this job isn’t a necessary evil. Suddenly, you haaaaaate it.
Or what about your love life? “It’s cool. S/he’s probably just busy right now” turns into you singing Beyonce’s “Irreplacable” and imagining the different ways you could set them on fire without getting caught. They can’t meet up tonight? THEY PROBABLY HATE YOU. GOD WHY DO ALL PEOPLE SUCK? I JUST WANT TO BURY MYSELF IN CATS AND NEVER SPEAK TO HUMANS AGAIN.
It’s hard to be motivated when you hate everything. You just want to leave yourself, but you don’t know how. Anything you’d normally like, you now hate. Anything that would normally make you feel better, now makes you feel worse. Plus, you can’t hang out with friends because you’re distracted and wouldn’t be much fun anyway. It’s a deep rut and you’re too lazy to even pull yourself out of it.
It’s irrational and it’s a bummer, but hopefully it’s just a passing mood. Life isn’t really so bad. There’s plenty to be thankful for. It’s just easy to forget all that and start to wallow. And when the wallowing is triggered, it’s easy to slip even further down the rabbit hole of despair.
But for the moment, let’s indulge. I hate everything right now. It all sucks, right?