To My Neighbors On The Stairwell Who Won’t STFU At 3 AM On A Week Night

Hey Guys,

I don’t mean to be a dick (actually, I’m not being one, you guys are) but, um, I was just wondering if you could not come here to smoke and drink and talk really loudly? I was just wondering if, like, you could just stay inside your apartment to do that, or go to the other stairwell, on the other side of the apartment, to be degenerate jobless assholes at 3 AM on a Monday morning?

You see, my bed is actually on the opposite side of the wall of the stairwell, and the only window in the bedroom nook opens directly adjacent to the railing you all lean against, blow smoke over, and tell ridiculously unfunny jokes that are laughable only when their stupidity is recognized (or if you’re a drunk person in your group). My point is, your inconsiderate yammering sounds like it’s coming from inside my room, you assholes, and your cigarette smoke fills my apartment every time you light up.

I smoke cigarettes sometimes. I drink with my friends often. But here’s why I think I’m being reasonable. First, because around the 15th time you woke me up in a month, I finally worked up the courage to go out and say something. I know, I’m a pussy, but I actually did it – I asked you very nicely and apologetically, “Hi guys. Do you think you could stop coming out here so late?” Etc. It was chill – the interaction was chill. You were all very apologetic and agreed not to come out anymore – that you would just go to the other stairwell. It was totally reasonable! But it was all lies.

Second, our apartment allows smoking. So if you think about it, what you’re doing is making me take responsibility for the cigarette smoke that you don’t want in your apartment – it all wafts directly into mine. It’s annoying.

The third reason I’m completely in the right here is because there’s an identical stairwell on the other side of the building where there may live someone who sleeps deeper than I do, as well as numerous exits you can take to get to this thing called “the sidewalk.” All of these options provide identical or highly similar experiences to the one you seek on my side of the building, and require the most minimal amount of effort and consideration to pursue.

Finally, my stance is reasonable because it’s not 2 AM on a Saturday night, it’s 3 AM ON A MONDAY MORNING, AND THEN 1 AM ON A WEDNESDAY MORNING, AND THEN 3 AM ON A THURSDAY MORNING. Who are you, anyways?

Friends, this sucks for me. Obviously, unlike you, I have a regular job, and I have responsibilities, such as providing myself with a diet that is not just PBR and Lays Original potato chips. For these things to occur without me feeling like shit, I must be able to sleep during the early hours of the morning. But you consistently prevent that for reasons I can’t comprehend. It’s all very frustrating. I’ve talked to the resident manager, he told me to call him when it happens again. I’m going to. I hope he catches you, and each of you gets fined upwards of $200. If not, this is my “fuck you.”

That is all.
Sari TC mark

image – Emily Walker

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  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XETLBYNZPN66ONYTNISZIDTU2Q OT

    wow. welcome to whatever major city you now live in and shut the f up or move to a nice quiet rural/suburban town

  • http://www.facebook.com/damog David Moreno

    Have some balls, man up and fight them.

  • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

    Just moved next to some hoodrat neighbors myself, it’s torturous. 

  • Guest

    My roommate used to call the cops on loud neighbors on Saturday night.  Mortifying.  She was such an asshole.  

  • victoria elliott

    i get these assholes outside my building and i think i’ve been one of these assholes more than once without specific intent, #circleoflife #man

  • Brf

    i don’t get it. we’re not them

    • Asdf

      Speak for yourself.

  • Anonymous

    GET OFF MY LAWN

  • http://twitter.com/Brittaniax Brittany Irene

    Easy fix- earplugs. As for the smoke… well, you chose to live in a smoke-friendly building, friend. Happy trails.

  • Asdf

    Think of it in the reverse. When people are dicks to you, you are free from the restraints of polite and courteous behaviour. Loosen the bolts on the railway they love to lean on.

  • a.

    It’s even worse when it’s your roommates and they’re downstairs. FAIL.

  • Natalie

    I hate these passive aggressive letters written by people who probably will never address the actual problem. 

    • http://twitter.com/kyleangeletti Kyle Angeletti

      Me too. Go yell at them and tell them to shut the fuck up. 

    • joan didion

      Wow you used the term “passive agressive” so you must be right

  • http://tattoosnob.com Julene

    You made a polite attempt at getting them to go outside/shut up… all’s fair in love & interrupted sleep at normal hours, I’d say.

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