An Open Letter To His Future Girlfriend

Please be kind. Tell him you love him and tell him often.

Tell him when you stop fighting and before you start. Fight, but fight as a way of fixing things not breaking them. Fight about the places you want to go, not the ones you’ve been. Know when to stop fighting. It’s okay to go to bed angry sometimes, as long as you wake up together. It’s okay to hurt and be hurt. Not all the time. Not even half of the time. But loving someone means giving them the power to hurt you. So be brave and bring bandages.

Bring beer for him, too. Baileys or Brandy for yourself. Sometimes what hurts you is the only thing that helps you heal. But love doesn’t fix everything and neither does time. Start mending yourself. Don’t keep quiet if things go wrong. Silence is resentment`s favorite food, so starve resentment.

Ask for what you need and give freely in return. Treat him how you want to be treated. Leave him if he treats you any other way. Stay if he doesn’t. Keep loving. It’s an action, not a state. It’s every day anew and new every day. It’s looking at his face in the mirror while brushing your teeth. It’s buying diet coke, because he likes it, and admitting you were wrong about how to make coconut rice.

Some days you’ll panic and you will wonder “what if”. Try harder, love deeper. These are growing pains. These are hiccups, so keep breathing. I can’t promise that things will always be easy, but they also shouldn’t be hard.

Sometimes he will be afraid, too. He will hurt. He will fear for a far-away future. That’s okay. Don’t give up. The best way to fight fear is exposure therapy: talk about what scares you. Talk about tomorrow while you still have time today. Make more plans than promises. Keep both.

He will not always say when he needs you and you will not always know. You will keep secrets from each other and things will take time. Learn to read his frown like braille and teach him how to read yours.

You can’t fix him. So fix yourself instead. You have been there before him and you will be there when he is gone and even if he stays. Laugh. Listen. Try out Thai food and go to see the sunset somewhere else. Ask questions. Give honest answers. Make memories. Make love.