Break ups are confusing for a multitude of reasons. They hurt. They make you angry. They carve out your insides and make you feel like a different person. Maybe you are a different person. I can’t tell you that.
One thing that seems to be somewhat universal is this overwhelming feeling of concern and fear that your partner will go on to do bigger, better things with somebody else. It’s this feeling expounded by the idea that you were somehow unworthy of his efforts.
What was it about me, you might think to yourself, that made him less motivated to get that promotion, by that house, settle down, etc. when we were together? Why is it all happening with her?
These thoughts and feelings hurt. Let’s be honest. They’re a bitch. How can we even grasp that a person we were once so close to may move on, only to do things we dreamed of, planned for, with somebody else. In addition, how can we even conceive they’ll go on to do more with somebody else? The pain will feel insurmountable, and it may feel that way for a very long time.
The good news is it has nothing to do with you. It doesn’t even have anything to do with him or her. It has to do with growth. I realize that’s hard to understand right now. You’re reading this, and you want to smack your computer off your bed, or find me and punch my glasses right into my eyes, screaming that I am wrong and you can be what he needs. I understand because I have been there.
It isn’t that you can’t be what he needs because it’s not about what either of you need. You are not what either of you need. No one person can compel you into personal growth. That is part of the reason you broke up. Take solace, then, in knowing whoever he has found has not compelled him into working harder, being better, or being more open. He has reached a point in his life where he did that on his own, and that’s his business. Your business is doing that for yourself, and you’re not going to do it worrying about how he’s treating another woman.
Be concerned with your own personal growth. Be concerned with nurturing yourself and going after the things you want to go after. Get your own promotion. Get yourself a better car. Go after your own dream you’ve had in the back of your mind but never pursued because you were putting your relationship first. These are the things he is doing that you are preoccupied with, further damaging your own future. If you focus on yourself, you will also find somebody new to continue growing with. Somebody who has nothing to do with him, and you will find all of the progress you have made has everything to do with you, and you alone.
It’s empowering. Try it.