Ah, a new administration means a new start for everybody. Every four or eight years, this can mean a lot of things to every American individually. The changes can be confusing, difficult to navigate, and even scary. Not to worry.
Here we’ve comprised a translation guide, as the new administration decided some words in the average patriot’s vocabulary are a little outdated. For your convenience, we have also given short definitions and explained the need for each word to be, uh, updated.
Similar to the oven that sits in your kitchen, quiet, motionless, and sometimes self-cleaning, things only happen to it when something goes into it. It doesn’t choose when something goes into it, you decide. You turn it on, put food in, the oven heats it, and food comes out nice and warm, ready to eat. Now that’s a woman.
Things will go into her, at the discretion of a husband, or just some dude, I guess, and she’ll incubate a baby. The baby will come out nice and warm, fully gestated, wanted or not, to fend for itself in the cruel world we now exist in.
Translation: Satan’s fuck pills
You are no longer a human being with a natural libido and a healthy sexuality. Self-esteem is a thing of your past. Showing yourself off to your partner? Well you can do it I guess, but only in the interest of making a baby unless you’re one of the lucky women who can afford obscenely priced fuck pills. Even if you can, you’ll likely be shunned by real patriots for having the sheer audacity to make your own decisions in life. I mean, how dare you develop self-awareness and not listen to a man?
Translation: Ten-year-old child
Now endowed with all the rights of a prepubescent human, there is no turning back should you fall upon an unplanned pregnancy. Abortion? What’s that? We don’t know. What we do know is you’re not a vessel for cells that could form a human (or potentially cure spina bifida because stem cell research is the devil’s work).
What you are somehow carrying, from day one of conception, is a fully formed human being. He’s probably set up a little Nintendo arcade and invites friends over to your cushy womb. Welcome to motherhood.
Translation: Unemployed leech
Children, children everywhere and not one of these lazy assholes has a job. Don’t they know the 1% needs their taxes? These entitled brats also don’t seem to realize pro-life only extends until birth. It’s not the president’s fault, nor the government’s fault, or the corrupt business men and woman occupying the 1% that these unemployed douche bags were born to poor uninsured parents, and often born with illness that would have been otherwise avoidable. And now they want a good k-12 education too! The unmitigated gall of some people, I tell you.
Listen ladies, if you’re a witch, just tell us outright so we can burn you alive, throw you off a cliff to see if you can fly, or drown you in a river. There’s really no need to A) perform some voodoo shit over a dead badger in the woods to kill a fetus *ahem* sorry, ten-year-old child and B) definitely no need to bleed everywhere. Periods are gross, and only witches have those too. Sew that shit up.
Independent, educated women – bitchy incubators
This isn’t necessarily the type of incubator you want. They mouth off a lot. Actually they may even try to fight back when you impregnate them. You know now that I think about it, they all try to do that for some reason. It’s like they don’t want our kids or something. We’ll have to do something about that. Anyway, the point is you need to teach a bitchy incubator she needs you to survive, and you also need to teach her the only education she needs should be based on the wide array of household cleaning products, rolling out soon. It’s called Trump Scrub, you can’t miss it. It’s been sold at a clock store near you.
The days of that soft-hearted do-gooder Obama are gone, ladies and gents. Preexisting condition? Denied. Pregnant? Denied. We suspect you knew about this shit and didn’t tell us? Well not only denied, but also hefty court fees when we sue your sorry, sick, lying, maybe collapsing, underweight, possibly dying ass.
Healthcare is a luxury of the rich, bitch! Oh you have six kids to feed? Maybe you should have thought of birth con…wait, no – Satan’s fuck pills. Maybe you should have bought some of those before having so many kids. And if you couldn’t afford those while working two jobs and trying to keep a roof over your head, well why are you even alive at all?
P.S. GIVE ME MORE TAXES.
Listen, you’ve made a choice to be gay, so may a choice to be straight. It’s really that simple. Do you understand how threatening it is to my marriage, of which you have nothing to do with, that you are gay and allowed to get married?
My husband, I know you haven’t met him proving just how far removed you are from my marriage, is so upset by all of this. He’s not going to divorce me or anything. We live happily in our home and love each other very much. BUT HOW MUCH LONGER CAN IT LAST IF EVERYBODY IS ALLOWED TO GET MARRIED?! So just stop, or I’ll introduce you to my little friend, conversion therapy.
Translation: Extra convincing
Some incubators just need more convincing than others, and this administration is the one to stand behind you while you do it. Congratulations fells on your free pussy passes! Now it doesn’t matter if you’re a pro-athlete, a college level swimmer, or the president of the goddamn United States. You too can use “extra convincing” to get whatever you want from a woman. Whatever you want from her.
Translation: Reverse racism
We know they told you it’s not a thing but it so it. If ever called a racist, you just know inside your mind that person is actually racist. You did nothing wrong by using racial slurs directly behind them for thirty-five minutes in line at the grocery story. You were frustrated. Does it make a person racist to target specific religious temples based on their hatred for those people? Not if you’re with us, friend. It just makes you a motherfucking patriot. Plan on!
And no more feeling bad when somebody directly points out, or even films and shares, the violence you display towards people different than yourself. Who cares if the violence was motivated by your hatred for them based on skin, religion, ethnicity, culture, etc.? We don’t, so it doesn’t really matter if anybody else does *forty-five thumbs up emojis*
I’ll admit this climate change business has been quite the long con, but if anybody was going to pull it off, it was going to be the entirety of the Chinese population. It would take a lot of smoke and mirrors to convince the rest of the world the polar ice caps are melting, entire species face extinction based on loss of habitat, the CO2 levels are so high we may never be able to make this planet livable again, and *laughs till I almost die* that our natural resources might run out. Unfortunately for the rest of the world, the new administration is smart. So smart. And we won’t be fooled. The climate is fine. Free SUVs for everybody. It’s also a new nationwide policy to empty as least one can of aerosol spray every day, so get to work.
Hope this helps, comrade-I mean Patriots. We look forward to ruining America. I mean making it great again…My bad.