1. They tell you the book was better.
2. They correct your grammar.
3. They’ve never held a steady day job.
4. They wear sunglasses inside.
5. They’re a Tumblr feminist.
6. Their Facebook updates are only quotes from Virginia Woolf or Jack Kerouac.
7. They don’t have Facebook.
8. They reference their novel in conversation.
9. The only Stephen King they’ve read is On Writing.
10. They talk about David Foster Wallace.
11. They quote David Foster Wallace.
12. They ask you what David Foster Wallace you’ve read.
13. They have an opinion about David Foster Wallace.
14. They want you to come to their reading.
15. They read their writing aloud and can’t pronounce all the words.
16. They roll their own cigarettes.
17. They smoke like chimneys.
18. They tell you how many hours they write for every day.
19. They tell you how many words they can write in an hour.
20. They make fun of fellow MFA students who write fantasy and science fiction.
21. They comment on your fiction homework with: “Nice try.”
22. They are better drinkers than writers.
23. They complain about having no money for groceries and spend $50 at the bar.
24. They only drink whiskey.
25. They get drunk and carry around a framed picture of Morrissey.
26. They chastise me for using an alliteration like “quirky qualities.”