1. Make sure it’s the right place and right time
The best thing about sexting is that you can literally do it anytime and anywhere, but therein lies the problem. You never quite know what’s happening on the other side of that phone. Sure, a little teasing to spice up a dull work day can be exciting, but no one wants a dick pic popping up on their iPhone in the middle of a boardroom. And you might be feeling randy, but no one ever wants to send a perfectly crafted dirty text only to receive a response of “At temple with Grandma.” Oyyy! That’s why your safest sext is usually the late-night one. Make sure the other person is at home, alone, and most importantly in the mood.
2. Don’t start something you can’t finish
In this day and age it seems we always have to be doing a thousand things at once. While you may have sexted while watching TV, surfing the internet, or cleaning your house (gross), the only thing that truly matters is that you’re willing to stick around for a bare minimum of 20 minutes. If you’re about to run out the door to meet friends do NOT engage. If you’re about to take an hour long shower do NOT get him going. And for the love of God please don’t start and then fall asleep. There’s nothing more humiliating than to be completely left hanging.
3. It’s all about the innuendo
Just like in actual sex, you’ve often got to dip your toes in and get a little wet before jumping right in. That’s when the Art of the innuendo comes into play. Think of it as the foreplay of sexting. And don’t worry if you’re not a master of the written word. In fact, it’s best to keep it short and sweet. As you become more experienced, you soon realize you can make LITERALLY ANYTHING SEXUAL.
She texts, “OMG I just had my ass kicked at CrossFit!” You can respond, “But I thought you liked it a little rough…”
He asks, “How about this rain, huh?” You can say “Yeah…now I’m really soaking wet.”
And you’ll never go wrong texting your man a simple, “Working hard??” for a little midday pick-me-up.
It’s simple as that! Now, if you genuinely lack all creativity and imagination you can always default with the classic winky face. Seriously, add it to anything. It’s juvenile, but it works.
One last thing I must mention on this topic: For the love of GOD please nix the emojis from your sexting vocabulary. No self-respecting woman will ever be turned on by a spraying eggplant!
4. Be picky with your pics
They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but it can also be worth a thousand regrets. Of course, the seriousness of your relationship and the amount of trust you’ve built together are factors at play. If you’re in a monogamous relationship, then I say Photoshop your privates all day if you want! But if your connection is on the newer side, it’s always wise to use a bit more discretion. And if you haven’t even met one another yet, then don’t even THINK about it! It’s no different than having something leaked to the internet; those pictures can last forever! And in the wrong hands they could really come back to haunt you.
5. On that note, guys… it’s not really doing it for us
Look, I get it, men are visual creatures. But you must then remember that women are verbal ones. So guys, a pic of your little pecker isn’t going to excite us nearly as much as you saying, “You looked so sexy and beautiful the other night…” And as much as you guys don’t want to hear this— to us they really do all look the same. I’d say nine times out of ten it’s actually more of a turn-off than a turn-on. What if we haven’t even met Mr. Salami in person yet? Is that how you want first introductions to be? I say keep it in your pants and just tell us we’re pretty.
6. Be a good conversationalist
A good sexting session is just like a good conversation: one person talks and the other listens.
Try to stay on message and don’t interrupt. The same principles apply here. Often times the more verbose and imaginative one will lead the conversation. This is exactly what you want, because, as we all know, the worst kind of sextual experience is a vanilla one. If you happen to be on the receiving end of a verbose sexter, it’s best to just sit back and enjoy the ride. Let them lead— it’s what they want! The most important thing to remember is when you see that ellipse– DO NOT INTERRUPT.
However, feel free to selectively interject throughout the spiel to help move things along and give your partner proper validation. You can stick with simple (but effective) responses such as “Oh YES,” “Oh my God,” or “I Love that.” Or take it a step further with a rousing “What else do you want to do to me???” or a salacious “Baby that feels sooooo good.” The possibilities are endless, and in the more passive role it’s almost impossible to say the wrong thing.
7. Double check it before you sext it
It happens to us all: You’re in the midst of a steamy sexting session. Emotionally charged and typing furiously while “multi-tasking” the absolute worst happens: your fingers slip and that Auto Correct devil rears its ugly, cock-blocking little head. Sometimes if it’s a small enough blunder you can both let it slide. But other times all it takes is an “Mmm” to come out as “Mom” to really kill that mood.
“Oh baby, I want to duck you all night long” is sure to incite more giggles than it will gasms.
And trust me- no one’s going to be turned on by your “big throbbing couch.”
Also remember to double check that contact name so that you don’t end up sexting your boss. Unless, of course, you’re into that sort of thing ;)
8. You always need a beginning, middle and an end
While some may argue the most important part of the modern day sext is the big finish, without a sufficient amount of build-up or at least some sort of story line, it’s going to fall flat. I’ll never forget the worst sexting experience of my life. I was getting ready for bed when a guy I’d been dating sent me an unsolicited picture of his aroused member with no textual explanation whatsoever. Then after five minutes of pregnant silence Casanova texted back “That was great- I needed that….”
I sat there dumbfounded. Was he SERIOUS?! That was IT??
To make matters worse he went on to ask, “So… did you enjoy that?”
All I could do was laugh. Enjoy what exactly?! I wasn’t even aware I was taking part in anything! At that point I’d already put on pajamas and was watching True Detective. But since I was tired and didn’t want him to feel badly, I texted back a winky face and then broke it off a week later.
9. Be sweet and delete
Unless you’re a Snapchatting sexter, (which really is a different animal all together,) you should maybe think about deleting your naughtiest textual trysts. The scary thing is that nowadays anything you say over text actually CAN be held against you. I mean it’s all right there… just scroll up. While there’s absolutely nothing wrong with a little consensual dirty talk, it could potentially get you into a lot of trouble when it’s out of context or in the wrong hands. If you happen to use the same device for both your personal and work phone you may want to do a little clean up. Or if you’re now in a completely new relationship (especially with a confirmed snooper) you should probably get rid of those old messages ASAP. If you’d feel uncomfortable having your new partner or your entire IT department read it, then delete it.
10. When in doubt, just LIE YOU’RE ASS OFF
Not only do you not have to leave your house to successfully sext, you don’t even have to brush your hair! It’s all about fantasy…aka everyone is completely bs-ing each other. If you really are rocking out that sexy little matching baby doll set, then GOD BLESS YOU! But if you’re a normal person and haven’t showered all day and wearing some old, stained oversized T shirt, then guess what?! He don’t gots to know!!! This is when you lie, lie, lie, and then lie some more! That’s the magic of sexting. You feel bad about being dishonest? Well believe you me– your partner’s doing the same exact thing.